The holidays are HERE.
We are in the trenches.
We are hall decking. We are cookie baking. We are loading our eggnogs with massive quantities of booze.
With every shot of spiced rum, we are bracing ourselves, steeling ourselves against the inevitable.
Because on top of the present wrapping, the light stringing and the carol singing, we will be encountering the Holiday People From Hell every day between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve.
Whether it’s that family member who always manages to show up forty five minutes late completely drunk or that friend who makes you feel like a slacker because you haven’t made candy canes from scratch for your organic hot chocolate, the Holiday People From Hell abound this time of year and wreak havoc on your already fried sanity.
In the spirit of giving, I’ve come up with a list of the most common Holiday People From Hell you will encounter on your journey towards finding that elusive gift on your list. The people who will unlock your inner Grinch faster than Kim Kardashian gets divorced. The people who will be at your table critiquing your food and drinking your expensive wine out of red solo cups. I know, I know. I’m a giver. You’re welcome.
The 7 People from Hell You Meet During the Holidays
The Re-Gifter: We all know this person. The Re-Gifter hasn’t spent a dime on Christmas since 1997, relying solely on the generosity of others to make them look good at the holidays. The Re-Gifter often has a closet full of gifts given to them, ever at the ready to be wrapped and passed off as their own. The Re-Gifter is cunning and smooth, like a used car salesman. And, as long as they don’t get caught, they will continue doing it for Christmases to come.
The Hostile Parking Space Stealer: This guy is in every mall parking lot in America. After circling for 20 minutes, looking for a spot that isn’t actually in the next county, you find that coveted available spot. You declare ownership by activating your turn signal and wait patiently for the little old lady with seventeen bags to load up, find her keys, text her daughter and put the reverse lights on. Just as you are about to pull into the spot, HPSS guy swerves into the spot while giving YOU the finger for being in his way. We hate him.
The Overachiever Baking Friend: Before the Thanksgiving turkey has even cooled, this friend has all of her Christmas cookies DONE. Iced to perfection and nary a nonpareil out of place, she single handedly makes you feel like a slacker. She then shows up to every single function with a beautifully wrapped, too pretty to eat cookie tray, making your Betty Crocker specials pale in comparison. But, there is a silver lining to having this friend. If you are kind to her, she will bring you a tray of cookies. That you can then re-gift for your Book Club Party. Score!
The Angry Shopper: This gal is annoyed about everything. Evvverrrything. If a line is too long, she’s hrrumphing about having “no time for this”. If the salesgirl forgot to add the 10% special store discount that only special people who use a particular app get, she becomes apoplectic. If you bump into her with your cart in the grocery store while she is chatting on the phone in the baking aisle, she’s venomous and vindictive. The Angry Shopper makes it miserable for the rest of us to get our holiday work done. And, she’s also the reason online shopping is so popular.
The Buddy the Elf: This gal is easy to spot: she’s usually sporting an ugly Christmas sweater or, at the very least, nifty candy cane socks. She’s decked her minivan out with reindeer horns and a red nose and she’s whistling “Jingle Bells” under her breath as she’s shopping in Target. When she’s not listening to Christmas music in the car, she has it on in the house on full blast. Her light display rivals that of the NYC skyline and her Christmas tree puts Rockefeller Plaza’s to shame. She enthusiastically wishes everyone she sees a “Merry Christmas” and she knows every line of “Elf”. We want to hate her but her enthusiasm is contagious. In small doses, of course.
The One-Upper (aka The “I’m the Busiest Mom”): If you have two dozen snowman themed cupcakes to make, she has seven to tackle. If you have fifty Christmas cards to address, she’s got 200. If you have thirty people coming to dinner on Christmas Eve, she’s rented a hall, a band and is hand making table cards out of pinecones grown on her farm for 400 of her closest friends. She’s The Overachiever Baking Friend (see above) and wants you to know it. She is the busiest and she’s going to win Christmas.
The ‘Christmas Vacation’ Movie Quoter: We’ve all seen the movie, Clark. We know the shitter is full, Cousin Eddie. We know Grandma says the pledge and that Grace has been dead for thirty years, Audrey. We get it, Todd, Margo is a bitch. Since we all know this, can we just stop quoting it? Well, except for the profanity laced tirade about Danny Kaye. Because that’s just inspired. But, the rest of it? Just stop.
There you have it, my list of Holiday People From Hell. The list of the least jolly people you will meet since Bing Crosby danced with Danny Kaye. How did I do, Clark? Oh, and pass the Tylenol…..
This post originally ran in December 2014 on LifetimeMoms.