When you tell people you are about to become a parent for the first time, the jokes about never sleeping again are almost immediate. And, once your friends have sufficiently warned you that you’ll be exhausted for eighteen years, the jokes switch to your sex life. Or lack thereof, that is. “Playdates with other people’s […]
That Time Hubby Bought Me My 80s Dream Car
We all have that one object that tethers us to another place and time. Whether it’s a favorite college sweatshirt or a cherished book, the object helps us remember a time when afternoons were long and carefree and adult responsibilities were minimal. For some, the object or item may even represent at time when they […]
Forgiving Your Spouse Means Admitting You’ve Done Stupid Things, Too
Show of hands: Who has a spouse who has committed an Act of Stupid so incredible that you want to scream and yell like a stark raving lunatic? Show of hands: Who has BEEN the spouse to commit the Act of Stupid? I can raise my hand to both. Let’s face it: in the day […]
The Day A Car Accident Made Me Realize I Was A Douchebag
You know how sometimes Life tries to quietly teach you a lesson and you ignore it? And then Life tries a little louder to teach you that lesson and you swat it away like an annoying fly? And THEN Life yells REALLY REALLY loudly and gets all up in your business and you get all […]
My Husband Is Having An Affair and It’s Fine With Me
She’s sleek. She’s sexy. She purrs. When she’s around, he’s got his eyes on her curves and he just can’t help but touch her parts. She takes him places he’s always dreamed about and my husband is just plain smitten. I’m talking, of course, about our, er, HIS, 1966 Mustang convertible. The Pony is his […]
I Wear A Bikini At 40 And You Should, Too
I am a mom and I have the body to prove it. My boobs are full, I have a C section scar and frankly, I haven’t seen my abs since 2002. I have stretch marks on my thighs, my waist and under my arms (seriously, what is THAT about?). My thighs are like tree trunks […]
Hubby Doesn’t Need Training. He’s Not A Dog.
A few weeks ago, I was helping a group of moms get a classroom party organized. As we passed out holiday appropriate paper plates and organic snacks, we chit chatted about our days, our kids and of course, we bitched about our husbands. We bitched about how they are clueless sometimes. How their aim in […]
Home Sweet Home
Hubby and I, on the general, don’t argue much. Strike that. We argue all the time. We have tiffs, we have eye rolling, we have snippy moments where I call him a jackass and he gets annoyed. Occasionally, there’s even a door slam. But, for the most part, we don’t argue so vociferously that one […]
50 Shades of Blush, er, Grey
In the summer of 2012, almost every woman I knew had their face buried in their e-reader. My friends could be found at the pool, sunglassed and sunscreened, discreetly reading while their children frolicked in chlorine. I’d see women at Barnes and Noble buried in their Nooks, coffees steaming as hot as their loins. I’d […]
This Mom Runs On Prozac
Contrary to popular belief, sometimes, I can be serious. I know. It comes as a shock to me, too. And, when those serious moments come, I write what’s in my soul. Sometimes, those serious pieces stay locked in my computer, hidden in the far recesses of my hard drive, never to be seen by possible […]
It Took Me Twenty Years To Realize My Husband Was In My Backyard
I am often asked how Hubby and I met and I take great joy in announcing, “Blind Date!”. Yup. We met on a good, old fashioned, “hey, these two would probably click” blind date in 1995. On that May evening, I had accompanied my Matchmaker friend to her boyfriend’s house to watch, of all movies, […]
Busted
A funny thing happens when you become a parent. Things change. A lot. For instance, you can’t easily get in and out of a convenience store for a cup of coffee. You can’t shop at Target for under $300. Swearing is harder. Your television that used to house Law and Order marathons becomes overrun with […]
Lost And Still Not Found
I don’t lose things. Ever. Like, ever. As we speak, Fruit Loop #2 is running around the backyard wearing the earrings I had my ears pierced in when I was nine. When she flops on her bed to read, she lights her copy of Ramona and Her Mother that I gave her with the lamp […]
My Messy Beautiful Depression
The piece I’m about to share with you is a complete and utter departure from my usual hilarity. It’s a piece I’ve thought about, mulled over, and rejected more times than I can count. I’ve written and rewritten it a thousand times in my head and have been waiting for the perfect time to put […]
Love Is Courtesy Flushes And Toddlers Who Vomit (Screw You, Hallmark)
One of the many endearing gestures my dad used to do for my mom involved Love Is cartoons. For those of you who aren’t familiar, these cartoons appeared in newspapers across the country and featured two cute, cupid style lovers and a sentimental phrase underneath. My dad used to leave them for my mom, particularly […]
I Recommend Wearing Blue Suede Shoes To Your Mammogram (Seriously)
There are some sentinel moments in a woman’s aging process that are reason for pause and reflection. The first time you find a grey hair the size of a garden snake in your eyebrows. The moment when you look at your thighs and figure out the quickest route to Florida using all the blue lines. […]
Our Wedding Anniversary Is 9/11 And We Will Always Remember
Our wedding day was perfect. PER-FECT. I’m talking the kind of perfect that made the angels weep. The kind of perfect that would make Martha Stewart pass out because she could never achieve that level of amazing. The kind of perfect that memories of a lifetime are made of and that you cherish forever. I […]
The Jig Is Up: I Am 40 Something And My Body Looks, Well, 40 Something
I’m just going to put this out there: I’m 40 years old. And I look, well, 40 years old. As much as I’d like to delude myself into thinking that my body looks like it did when I was 21, sometimes, you just have to face facts. At some point, you have to look in […]