Parents, we need to have a chat.
*pauses to allow parents to grab coffee and gather ’round*
Can we please talk about the word, “commitment”?
Or, shall I say, the overuse of the word “commitment” when we are talking to our teens about their extracurricular activities?
(My apologies to the parents who thought I was about to rant about dating. We’ll get to that in a minute, though.)
Stay with me.
I’ve spent the last few days fighting for Fruit Loop #1’s right to have a school life balance.
Without going into too many details, his schedule for one of his beloved extracurricular activities has become next level insane.
To the point that he and his fellow students have been expected to devote upwards of 20-25 hours A WEEK to a high school activity.
That’s a part time job.
On top of a full time job doing the business of being a 15 year old sophomore.
Oh, and on top of having a life as a teen.
Throughout this battle, the teacher in charge has thrown around the word “commitment.” A lot.
“If you can’t commit, you probably shouldn’t be here.”
“I expect 110% commitment, no excuses.”
“Only those who can fully commit to this activity will succeed.”
Oh, and my personal favorite, “If you can’t commit, you can quit.”
And so on and so forth.
Now.
Here’s my rub: since when is knowing your limits a sign of weakness?
If a teen is saying to you out loud, “I feel stressed” and our response is “well, you certainly aren’t committed enough,” how is that helping a teen learn to set boundaries?
If your teen is anxious and suffering insomnia, how saying “well, if you only applied yourself a bit more, things would be better,” going to help them manage the physical symptoms of stress?
We spend our days shuttling our kids from activity to activity, throwing chicken nuggets over our shoulders as we wait at stop lights and check emails only to find out that soccer practice has been moved to Friday night and now we have five places to be instead of six.
We spend our nights yelling at our teens that they need to go to bed because it’s 11p and they aren’t finished their homework yet.
We, as a collective group of parents, have COMMITTED to the notion that stress and anxiety are okay for our teens.
And we let our teachers and coaches continue to question their level of commitment to a project or an activity, even when our teens are crying uncle.
AP classes are no joke.
Learning how to date a new partner is stressful stuff (remember your first awkward dates?).
Learning to drive.
Looking at colleges.
The prospect of moving away from home in a few years.
Just the business of being 15, with your body changing and hormones flowing, is the stuff of nightmares (did you like being the acne kid in high school??).
Our kids are stressed enough without us having to remind them that they are falling short when they are exhausted.
Parents, CTFD with the word “commitment.”
Instead, ask your kid what brings them joy.
Ask them what they want to do with their lives, don’t TELL them they have to commit their full souls to a sport or theater production.
And, when you hear a teacher question your kid when he says he’s stressed, SPEAK UP.
Say something.
Be the squeaky wheel.
Because those of us who have been yelling for a really long time are exhausted.
I, for one, am committed to making sure my teens and their fellow students live their best lives.
Even if it means being “that” parent.
So, enough with the word “commitment,” OKAY?
Good.
I’m glad we had this talk.
*sips coffee, raises eyebrow, throw moms shade*
My son, age 15, is a great kid, an excellent student, and has always been a “stand out” on the baseball field. His stats are very good, he is humble but confident, a team-player, and gives 110% at each practice and game. I had no doubt he would play on the high school team, and being a lefty, I even thought that if he worked hard, he might (MIGHT…only because he is a lefty, which puts him in the “sought after” category) have the opportunity to play at the college level. He, however, also loves to snowboard and skateboard, to hang out with friends, and to have a night “off” once in a while. After hearing that the high school team practices every day, and that a buddy of his (who is also an excellent player and is a year ahead of him in school) made the JV team as a 9th grader last year and batted just 4 times the whole season, my son has decided not to try out for the team. I had a hard time accepting this at first, but knew that “making him” do it would only end in resentment, and to tell him that he wouldn’t sit on the bench all season his 9th grade year would be a lie…he may play, and he may not…no guarantees. So, this will be the first spring since he was 6 where he doesn’t play baseball. It’ll weird, for sure, and I will silently wince a bit when I pass the high school field. Maybe he’ll miss it and decide to try out next year. Maybe he won’t. A friend with grown kids told me she read a book on raising teens once and took one big thing away from it. “His life, not your life.” I try to keep that in mind.
This is my 9th grade son and soccer.
Wouldn’t try out, played most of his life.
I cried, but it’s his life and he wants to enjoy his time with his friends and get grades he said.
Thank you for this article! My daughter has been on Jv Softball in 9th and 10th grade, middle school softball in 7 & 8 grade, she plays rec ball and has been on tournament teams and is on high honors. This year during the 2nd day of softball tryouts the old male coach told her if she was not outstanding she wasn’t making the team. She calls me at work very upset saying how she hates Softball and can’t do it anymore and if she made the team she would be sitting on the bench anyway. I stood behind her decision Not to return to the tryouts for high school softball. It’s a toxic environment run by males who are not role models for young teenage girls. It’s unacceptable for a so called “coach” to do that to a young teenager who like you said is going through so many other things at this time of her life. My daughter is like a new person now that she is doing other activities and not “ making that 100% commitment” to a HS sport.
Let me tell you…I can 100% agree with your support for your daughter. I have two of my own, and I watch them both struggle in different ways. When our oldest graduated, we felt like we got our daughter back. No longer did she have to worry about pleasing a coach, and no longer as parents did we have to “keep our mouth shut” or watch her suffer the backlash. Never again, will I ever sit back and watch physical or emotional damage to a child and “keep my mouth shut.” Their lives mean more than numbers on a scoreboard. These kids need respect as people over respect as athletes. I am not saying to be driven and strive for excellence, but not to lose themselves while experiencing life’s journey.
Wow! I read this and hear the exact words that have run through my mind a million times. How can these kids keep up? What does pushing them so hard actually achieve? We have never been the type of parents to allow our children to quit something they start because we try to raise them to know dedication and determination, but we have also learned first hand the damage that can do to a child. We had a horrible experience with a coach and it caused our child to develop a condition that could have cost us her life. It was at that point, that as parents we realized just how much of an impact the stress of school and activities had on students. Sports (other activities even academics) have taken over our time and our lives, and as parents, we have allowed it to happen! Not only do these kids now have class blocks for athletics and after-school practices, they now have mandatory Sunday practices. They are pushed to take AP classes because “it looks better on a transcript.” At what point does it stop? At what point do kids get to rest their minds and bodies? Fortunately, our child graduates this year, and we can step away from the rat race of athletics until our youngest reaches high school. Unfortunately, even at a young age academic stress is already heavy. We try to look at this situation differently going forward. I could type a book on the experiences surrounding this issue, but until each parent reaches the breaking point, things for their own child won’t change. I just know that for us…no longer will a coach dictate every moment of my child’s life. When I say everything, that is the mindset of some coaches…EVERYTHING…from when and who they approve them dating or being friends with to when they can or cannot go on family vacation. Not only does this control the student, but it controls the parents. If the parents deviate from the expectations, the child pays the price. Who is really in control? Remember…it isn’t the coach who will sit next to the bed of a crying child or in the hospital room when they physically cannot handle anymore, nor will the coach be the one who buries a child because they feel that cannot take anymore and failure is not an option.
Sorry…just being brutally honest here.
Awesome job!
Okay, my first response was to one reply that I read, but now I will say that I applaud all of you present-day parents that are dealing with the issue of “how much is too much” and how do we deal with all of this. My three kids were all very different people, and we dealt with some pressure for them to “commit” to more and more, but I wasn’t until my youngest was in middle school that the pressure to do it all really started to hit us. She was interested in theater, soccer, softball, scouts, church, fashion, music, and her classes. She came to me one Thursday evening (I remember because that was her only free evening at that point) and told me that she wanted to enjoy more than one night a week of “free time”. We talked, and decided she would need to figure out which activities to drop. Best decision ever. I think it is crazy to have our young people burning out at fifteen and sixteen years old because we believe they won’t be successful if they don’t do it all at a young age. Let them try activities, and let them decide when or if they want to continue doing those activities. You all are correct, it is their life, and we really should give them a chance to say “enough is enough”, even if we don’t agree. After all, do you remember being forced to take certain classes, do certain activities? How did that make you feel when you were their age?
Thank you for this. I was just struggling with this issue and you spoke directly to me.