Have you ever committed a crime? Like an *actual* one? Wait. Don’t answer that because I think plausible deniability would work in my favor if anyone ever asked me about your answer. I am pleased to say that I haven’t been in the Big House…yet. But I can imagine a scenario in which I would be arrested. Yes, it involves wine. Yes, it involves bitch slapping. None of this should not come as a surprise to most of you.
WINE NOT TIME!
Mom Blogger Christine Burke goes on trial this week for aggravated assault based on charges stemming from her 2014 arrest at a local liquor store. Burke was arrested in October 2014 after allegedly manhandling a clerk when her favorite wine was no longer available at that location.
Witnesses say that Burke, a mother of two with no other prior arrests, was seen in the liquor store around 4 pm. According to reports, she politely asked where the Cupcake Sauvignon Blanc was located. When told that the store no longer carried that brand, witnesses say Burke grabbed the worker by the collar and screamed “For the love of God, man, what have you done?”. She then allegedly bitch slapped the worker repeatedly while yelling what sounded like “Don’t get rid of a mom’s wine, moron!”.
The worker, who’s name has been withheld, suffered minor bruising and small cuts. He was treated and released at a local hospital. Charges were filed and his lawyer had no comment except to say that his client was currently shopping his story to local news outlets and that “the truth will come out for the right price”.
When asked about the situation, Burke’s lawyer offered this statement, “Mrs. Burke is an upstanding citizen with impeccably organized closets. Her actions, while rash, only reflect society’s tendency to dump on moms day in and day out. That day, she simply snapped and decided that, in the name of every mom who ever wanted to lose their shit in the middle of a store, she was going to take the bull by the horns and stand up for overworked moms everywhere. She is a hero, really.”
The DA in the case has offered this account of the incident in 2014, “Mrs. Burke lost it when she couldn’t have her way. We have rules and laws protecting citizens from the likes of crazed, lunatic moms like her. I don’t care if her laundry was overflowing, her kids had bickered for five straight hours and that her husband asked her to bake nine dozen cookies for a company picnic the next day. What she did was inexcusable and our office will be pushing for heavy jail time”. This reporter thinks it is newsworthy to point out that the DA is a man. And unmarried.
Word of Burke’s case has spread throughout the mom blogger community and support for her plight is reaching a fever pitch. Moms from as far away as California have traveled to the tiny courthouse to carry signs emblazoned with “Wine Not Time” in support of the young mom. “I came here because it could have just as easily been me in that store. We are overworked. We need a glass of wine at the end of the day and liquor stores are playing with fire by not keeping their shelves stocked” says Megan D’Arienzo of New Jersey.
The judge in the case could not be reached for comment. Burke is currently being held in the local jail and has been heard saying, “Three hots and a cot isn’t always a bad thing”. According to unconfirmed reports, Burke is catching up on back issues of People magazine provided to her by her legions of mom sympathizers.
In a statement, Cupcake Winery has offered Burke a lifetime supply of her favorite wine if her trial ends in acquittal. Monetary donations can be made to the Free Burke Foundation.
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