I STILL Want To Pee Alone, The Keeper News

I STILL Just Want To Pee Alone

March 26, 2015

Becoming a mother is mind blowing.

Or, at least for ME it was.

There were so many things I did not see coming: the inability to run quickly into a convenience store for coffee ever again, the number of Pinterest pins I had to acquire to keep up with the uber crafty, overachieving mom types and the size of my boobs postpartum (they were IMPRESSIVE, I tell you).

I was amazed at the exhaustion and the shear amount of stamina it took to get through a day with a two year old. And I run marathons, people. Running 26.2 consecutive miles is easy compared to a twelve hour day with a threenager who decides to throw a tantrum over the fact that the peas are green.

My friendships changed, my relationship with my husband evolved and I understood what it meant when my mother said to me “Someday you’ll understand!!!” in a half crazed voice while raising her fist at no one in particular.

I’m telling you, MIND. BLOWING.

And, I often thought I was the only person on the planet who was shocked and appalled to learn that toddlers watch you pee. And giggle when you wipe your lady parts.

So many times in those early years, I’d watch other moms at the playground and preschool and wonder what on earth I was doing wrong. How was it that the rest of them seemed to have it all under control while I was keeping things together with some Scotch tape, a little bit of magic and a whole lot of wine? I struggled every day to find my footing as a mother and wondered if I’d ever be good at it. Hell, I STILL wonder that and I’m cruising into my twelfth year of this mothering gig (we’ve gone through A LOT of Scotch tape).

I remember several years ago when the Fruit Loops were ages 2 and 4 and I got sick. Really sick. Like hanging over the toilet and vomiting out my toes sick. I woke up in the middle of the night, sweaty and dizzy, barely making it to the toilet before I unleashed evil and all it’s wonder into the chamberpot. For a few hours, I alternated between laying on the tile begging for death and sticking my face in a toilet I hadn’t had the chance to clean in a few weeks. As the sun rose, my two little cherubs wandered in, wearing their footy pajamas and sporting bed heads, and asked for their breakfast. The reason they came in to ask me was because their father was getting ready for a day of work he couldn’t cancel and told them to “go ask your mother”.

Breakfast that morning was provided by the four year old and to be honest, I have no idea what they ate.

We spent the day in my bathroom, them with books, toys and Goldfish crackers and me with vomit on my yoga pants wondering how I had gotten myself into this mess.

And, as I’ve come to find out, I’m not the only mother who has days like mine. I’m not the only one who makes stupid statements like “Don’t put your foot in your sister’s face” and “If you roll your eyes at me one more time, I’m going to make you eat fish for dinner” (I’ve said those actual words…don’t ask). I am not the only one who has stopped in the middle of her crazy day and realized that her shirt is on backwards and has a stain on the boob.

We are mothers.

We are mothers who work hard every day to do right for our kids.

We are mothers who have earned the right to pee alone. Or, at the very least, vomit privately.

And that’s why I am so honored to have been included in Jen from People I Want To Punch In The Throat’s newest anthology, “I STILL Just Want To Be Alone”.

The essays in this book are real stories from the front lines of motherhood. The good, the bad, the UGLY and everything in between. You won’t find a single essay telling you to “enjoy these special times” or “being a mom is my favorite” because, honestly, ain’t no one would buy that horsepuckey. Nope. These essays were written by women who are blowing the lid off the idea that mothering means perfection. And there are A LOT of stories about poop. Because mothering and poop go hand and hand, amiright?

So, go buy “I STILL Want To Pee Alone” because I’m in it, naturally. But also, because you’ve earned that five minutes in the bathroom alone.