Becoming a mother is mind blowing.
Or, at least for ME it was.
There were so many things I did not see coming: the inability to run quickly into a convenience store for coffee ever again, the number of Pinterest pins I had to acquire to keep up with the uber crafty, overachieving mom types and the size of my boobs postpartum (they were IMPRESSIVE, I tell you).
I was amazed at the exhaustion and the shear amount of stamina it took to get through a day with a two year old. And I run marathons, people. Running 26.2 consecutive miles is easy compared to a twelve hour day with a threenager who decides to throw a tantrum over the fact that the peas are green.
My friendships changed, my relationship with my husband evolved and I understood what it meant when my mother said to me “Someday you’ll understand!!!” in a half crazed voice while raising her fist at no one in particular.
I’m telling you, MIND. BLOWING.
And, I often thought I was the only person on the planet who was shocked and appalled to learn that toddlers watch you pee. And giggle when you wipe your lady parts.
So many times in those early years, I’d watch other moms at the playground and preschool and wonder what on earth I was doing wrong. How was it that the rest of them seemed to have it all under control while I was keeping things together with some Scotch tape, a little bit of magic and a whole lot of wine? I struggled every day to find my footing as a mother and wondered if I’d ever be good at it. Hell, I STILL wonder that and I’m cruising into my twelfth year of this mothering gig (we’ve gone through A LOT of Scotch tape).
I remember several years ago when the Fruit Loops were ages 2 and 4 and I got sick. Really sick. Like hanging over the toilet and vomiting out my toes sick. I woke up in the middle of the night, sweaty and dizzy, barely making it to the toilet before I unleashed evil and all it’s wonder into the chamberpot. For a few hours, I alternated between laying on the tile begging for death and sticking my face in a toilet I hadn’t had the chance to clean in a few weeks. As the sun rose, my two little cherubs wandered in, wearing their footy pajamas and sporting bed heads, and asked for their breakfast. The reason they came in to ask me was because their father was getting ready for a day of work he couldn’t cancel and told them to “go ask your mother”.
Breakfast that morning was provided by the four year old and to be honest, I have no idea what they ate.
We spent the day in my bathroom, them with books, toys and Goldfish crackers and me with vomit on my yoga pants wondering how I had gotten myself into this mess.
And, as I’ve come to find out, I’m not the only mother who has days like mine. I’m not the only one who makes stupid statements like “Don’t put your foot in your sister’s face” and “If you roll your eyes at me one more time, I’m going to make you eat fish for dinner” (I’ve said those actual words…don’t ask). I am not the only one who has stopped in the middle of her crazy day and realized that her shirt is on backwards and has a stain on the boob.
We are mothers.
We are mothers who work hard every day to do right for our kids.
We are mothers who have earned the right to pee alone. Or, at the very least, vomit privately.
And that’s why I am so honored to have been included in Jen from People I Want To Punch In The Throat’s newest anthology, “I STILL Just Want To Be Alone”.
The essays in this book are real stories from the front lines of motherhood. The good, the bad, the UGLY and everything in between. You won’t find a single essay telling you to “enjoy these special times” or “being a mom is my favorite” because, honestly, ain’t no one would buy that horsepuckey. Nope. These essays were written by women who are blowing the lid off the idea that mothering means perfection. And there are A LOT of stories about poop. Because mothering and poop go hand and hand, amiright?
So, go buy “I STILL Want To Pee Alone” because I’m in it, naturally. But also, because you’ve earned that five minutes in the bathroom alone.
Here’s the AMAZING line up of authors….you won’t be disappointed!!
Jen Mann of People I Want to Punch in the Throat
Bethany Kriger Thies of Bad Parenting Moments
Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying
Alyson Herzig of The Shitastrophy
JD Bailey of Honest Mom
Kathryn Leehane of Foxy Wine Pocket
Suzanne Fleet of Toulouse and Tonic
Nicole Leigh Shaw of Nicole Leigh Shaw, Tyop Aretist
Meredith Spidel of The Mom of the Year
Rebecca Gallagher of Frugalista Blog
Rita Templeton of Fighting off Frumpy
Darcy Perdu of So Then Stories
Christine Burke of Keeper of The Fruit Loops…… SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
Amy Flory of Funny Is Family
Robyn Welling of Hollow Tree Ventures
Sarah del Rio of est. 1975
Amanda Mushro of Questionable Choices in Parenting
Jennifer Hicks of Real Life Parenting
Courtney Fitzgerald of Our Small Moments
Lola Lolita of Sammiches and Psych Meds
Victoria Fedden of Wide Lawns and Narrow Minds
Keesha Beckford of Mom’s New Stage
Stacia Ellermeier of Dried-on Milk
Ashley Allen of Big Top Family
Meredith Bland of Pile of Babies
Harmony Hobbs of Modern Mommy Madness
Janel Mills of 649.133: Girls, the Care and Maintenance Of
Kim Forde of The Fordeville Diaries
Stacey Gill of One Funny Motha
Beth Caldwell of The Cult of Perfect Motherhood
Sarah Cottrell of Housewife Plus
Michelle Back of Mommy Back Talk
Tracy Sano of Tracy on the Rocks
Linda Roy of elleroy was here
Michelle Poston Combs of Rubber Shoes In Hell
Susan Lee Maccarelli of Pecked To Death By Chickens
Vicki Lesage of Life, Love, and Sarcasm in Paris
Mackenzie Cheeseman of Is there cheese in it?
Tracy DeBlois of Orange & Silver