555 Celestial Way
In The Middle Of Nowhere, USA
Dear Mother Nature:
This letter confirms our discussion today that you, in fact, are no longer employed at Summer Fun and Games and your termination is effective immediately.
You will receive exactly two weeks severance for your 900 years of service. You will need to turn in your security badge, ice wand, snow making equipment, freezing rain machine, sleet dohickey and bone chilling cold adapter upon departure from the building. Please also surrender the keys to your ice house, your personal weather computer and your company iPhone. You are free to keep any icicles, snow piles and black ice patches as they are of no use to this company.
So as to be perfectly, bluntly, utterly, and, please excuse the pun, BITTERLY clear, your infractions are as follows:
1). Failure to provide sun and warmth on a regular basis.
2). Failure to maintain temperatures in such a manner so as to avoid dry skin, sallow complexions and wind burn.
3). Failure to understand the delicate sanity of mothers everywhere.
4). Inability to do anything but repeatedly dump large amounts of white frozen water over everything in sight.
5). Direct insubordination when told on three separate occasions by field supervisor to “Knock it the hell off” with regards to aforementioned white frozen water.
6). Two words: Polar. Vortex.
7). Failure to understand the consequences of your actions, i.e: 12 inches of snow = mothers must be drunk and children suffer.
8). Three more words: Polar. Vortex. AGAIN.
9). Repeated school delays, school cancellations, party/hair appointment/lunch date/exercise/ PAP smear reschedulings and grocery excursions with 5 kids in tow.
10). Two final words: Jim Cantore.
Now, in a departure from usual termination letter protocol and as CEO of this company, I feel compelled to further expound on your egregious, termination worthy behavior. And, if I may, on a personal level, as a mother, if Human Resources didn’t have the power to drag me out of here in a New York minute, I’d bitch slap you within an inch of your frozen, godforsaken life. I feel compelled to impress upon you how completely, utterly and organically mothers of this great nation are SO. OVER. YOU. and your shenanigans. So as to be clear, the reasons we, The Mothers of This Great Nation, are over you are as follows:
1). We have no more crafts.
2). We cannot see Frozen ONE. MORE. GD. TIME.
3). No one wants to sled anymore.
4). We’ve put on six pounds from drinking hot cocoa.
5). We cannot, no, WILL NOT, put snow pants on ONE. MORE. GD. TIME.
6). We can no longer clean the brains that have leaked out of our children’s heads from 200 hours of continuous video game playing.
7). We cannot hear the words has a two hour delay” ONE. MORE. GODDAMNED TIME.
8). We will commit justifiable homicide if we hear is closed today” ONE. MORE GODDAMNED TIME.
9). We have run out of crock pot recipes.
10). Two words: Jim Cantore.
You will need to keep us informed of your contact information so that we can provide W-2 form information to the next poor schmuck who decides to hire you.
Best wishes for a smooth transition in your next endeavor,
President and CEO
Summer Fun And Games
123 It’s Effing Gorgeous Out Blvd.