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You are here: Home / Parenting Is Hard Enough / Mother Nature is FIRED

Mother Nature is FIRED

February 11, 2014 By Christine 10 Comments

Mother Nature
555 Celestial Way
In The Middle Of Nowhere, USA

Dear Mother Nature:

This letter confirms our discussion today that you, in fact, are no longer employed at Summer Fun and Games and your termination is effective immediately.

You will receive exactly two weeks severance for your 900 years of service.  You will need to turn in your security badge, ice wand, snow making equipment, freezing rain machine, sleet dohickey and bone chilling cold adapter upon departure from the building.   Please also surrender the keys to your ice house, your personal weather computer and your company iPhone.  You are free to keep any icicles, snow piles and black ice patches as they are of no use to this company.

So as to be perfectly, bluntly, utterly, and, please excuse the pun, BITTERLY clear, your infractions are as follows:

1).  Failure to provide sun and warmth on a regular basis.
2).  Failure to maintain temperatures in such a manner so as to avoid dry skin, sallow complexions and wind burn.
3).  Failure to understand the delicate sanity of mothers everywhere.
4).  Inability to do anything but repeatedly dump large amounts of white frozen water over everything in sight.
5).  Direct insubordination when told on three separate occasions by field supervisor to “Knock it the hell off” with regards to aforementioned white frozen water.
6).  Two words:  Polar. Vortex.
7).  Failure to understand the consequences of your actions, i.e:  12 inches of snow = mothers must be drunk and children suffer.
8).  Three more words:  Polar. Vortex. AGAIN.
9).  Repeated school delays, school cancellations, party/hair appointment/lunch date/exercise/ PAP smear reschedulings and grocery excursions with 5 kids in tow.
10). Two final words:  Jim Cantore.

Now, in a departure from usual termination letter protocol and as CEO of this company, I feel compelled to further expound on your egregious, termination worthy behavior.  And, if I may, on a personal level, as a mother, if Human Resources didn’t have the power to drag me out of here in a New York minute, I’d bitch slap you within an inch of your frozen, godforsaken life.  I feel compelled to impress upon you how completely, utterly and organically mothers of this great nation are SO. OVER. YOU. and your shenanigans.  So as to be clear, the reasons we, The Mothers of This Great Nation, are over you are as follows:

1).  We have no more crafts.
2).  We cannot see Frozen ONE. MORE. GD. TIME.
3).  No one wants to sled anymore.
4).  We’ve put on six pounds from drinking hot cocoa.
5).  We cannot, no, WILL NOT, put snow pants on ONE. MORE. GD. TIME.
6).  We can no longer clean the brains that have leaked out of our children’s heads from 200 hours of continuous video game playing.
7).  We cannot hear the words has a two hour delay” ONE. MORE. GODDAMNED TIME.
8).  We will commit justifiable homicide if we hear is closed today” ONE. MORE GODDAMNED TIME.
9).  We have run out of crock pot recipes.
10). Two words:  Jim Cantore.

You will need to keep us informed of your contact information so that we can provide W-2 form information to the next poor schmuck who decides to hire you.

Best wishes for a smooth transition in your next endeavor,

Christine Burke
President and CEO
Summer Fun And Games
123 It’s Effing Gorgeous Out Blvd.
Sunshine, USA

 

mothernature

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Filed Under: Parenting Is Hard Enough Tagged With: blah, Jim Cantore, winter

Comments

  1. Real Life Parenting says

    February 11, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    Is there a place for the rest of the moms to sign? Like any kind of “I Stand with the CEO” kind of thing??!

    Funny stuff here … It’s funny because it’s true! 🙂

    Reply
    • Christine Burke says

      February 11, 2014 at 8:01 pm

      I think I’m going to start a change.org petition, LOL….

      Reply
    • Mira says

      June 9, 2016 at 3:33 pm

      Cher Vio&in,Cvrsqun;est excellent ! Au début, je n’ai rien compris, j’ai essayé de me concentrer puis j’ai compris qu’il ne fallait rien comprendre. Je me suis faite avoir, bravo !Et la chemise ouverte, et les clichés visuels J’ADORE !Bravo à tous.Dis-moi ça vous dirait de faire une vidéo pour sensibiliser les gens aux risques du Sida ? L’idée me vient, comme ça, avec vos talents peut-être que le message pourrait enfin passer auprès des gens ?BisesSophie

      Reply
  2. cellulitelooksbettertan says

    February 11, 2014 at 5:47 pm

    I’d like to personally escort this employee off the premises and punch her in the throat.

    Clever and true – so true. I said a prayer this morning that our school was not delayed or cancelled. And look, I actually get to read your blog, so the gods aligned for me.

    Reply
    • Christine Burke says

      February 11, 2014 at 8:02 pm

      Well, thank the winter gods for that….I am actually amazed at what I can get done in a day when the fruit loops have a full day of school….sigh.

      Reply
      • Randi says

        June 9, 2016 at 9:46 pm

        Oddly enough, the points made in this article are much like my thoughts on this subject. It#;7218&s a little weird to see views much like my own in written content. I like this a lot.

        Reply
  3. bethteliho says

    February 11, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    hahahaha! LOVE THIS. Very funny, and SO true! Btw, I’m in love with your tagline. Freakin’ genius.

    Reply
    • Christine Burke says

      February 11, 2014 at 8:01 pm

      Why, I don’t think I’ve ever been called genius before….I kinda like the way that feels. Ahem. 😉

      Reply
  4. jennifer says

    January 5, 2015 at 8:17 am

    Complaining is not allowed, I live in, yeah start laughing, North Pole Alaska, it is thirty below, and my son is SCREAMING because he HAS to out on a jacket and gloves, we used to live in Buffalo NY, now when we visit in the winter, we wear sweatshirts…I used to think, I can handle the cold…NOPE, it is now so cold I can exhale, the moisture freezes, and i can then part it like a curtain, I have not seen full sun above the treeline since Oct…

    Reply
  5. Philippe Barzin says

    January 5, 2015 at 9:09 am

    very funny! Great post!

    Reply

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