When you have your first child, you measure those first years in milestones: first smiles, first teeth, first steps. First time the baby meets the grandparents, first car trip and the first solid food. And then you have the NOT so popular firsts: first epic poop situation, first fever, and the first time you realize you have dried vomit on your shirt and you don’t care. So many firsts to experience.
There is one milestone, however, that can be even more stressful than getting your kid to sleep through the night for the first time: The First Play Date.
When your child reaches the ripe old age of one, you start to worry that, perhaps, your child may need more stimulation than just you making silly faces at them. You start to panic that your child will be a social degenerate if they aren’t socializing with other drooling heaps of breast fed roly poly cuteness. And, truth be told, you become mostly convinced that your brain has leaked out of your ear during the 384th episode of Sesame Street, so you yourself start to crave human contact.
Thus, the search for the perfect Play Date Companion begins.
Choosing a Play Date Companion is a very serious job. She must be simpatico with your need to call your child a schmuck once in a while and must find all of your jokes hilarious. She must also have a child or children you don’t hate to have around and she must be fluent in the language of sarcasm. She must drink wine and she must support your decision to leave your Hubby if Patrick Dempsey shows up at your door with his lawn mower and a cowboy hat.
Once you’ve made the decision to go on the prowl for a Play Date Companion, you quickly realize that finding her is an awful lot like dating. Remember dating? That long lost period of your life spent searching for that compatible someone who laughs at your jokes but also knows when to call it quits and go home? On the prowl in high heels and make up hoping to meet that special someone who makes you feel less alone?
Yep. Dating and Mom Dating are very similar. Well, except for the high heels and makeup. Let’s consider the evidence:
Dating: Searching bars, grocery stores and gyms for that special someone.
Mom Dating: Searching monkey bars, grocery stores and toddler gyms for that special someone.
Dating: Worrying about what to wear and whether your pants make your butt look big. Choose pretty pashmina to cover butt region.
Mom Dating: Knowing your butt looks big in your yoga pants and hoping that your long, go-to wrap around sweater covers the evidence.
Dating: First date in a public place and always lunch. Dinner is much too serious a commitment.
Mom Dating: First date at a playground and lunch is served since toddlers can’t go 45 seconds without a snack. No one in their right mind would invite a potential Play Date Companion over for dinner. Because kids and dinner are a hot mess.
Dating: A call is placed to your best friend before you leave on a First Date. If you text the words “The Duck Flies At Midnight”, she is to immediately call your phone with the word that your Aunt Petunia is having emergency uvula surgery.
Mom Dating: A call is placed to your husband before your First Mom Date arrives at the house. If you text the words, “She Likes Justin Bieber”, he is to call and pretend to be the exterminator coming to fumigate.
Dating: Awkward conversation about plans for marriage, kids and whether or not he is a fan of Grey’s Anatomy. Bonus points if he loves the movie The Notebook (even if he’s lying about it…).
Mom Dating: Awkward conversations about organic food, cloth diapers and whether or not she watches Real Housewives of NJ. Bonus points if she can’t stand Honey Boo Boo (even though you know she secretly watches it, too).
Dating: Decisions must be made about the good bye at the door. Kiss? Hug? Handshake?
Mom Dating: Decisions must be made about the goodbye at the door. Kiss? Hug? Handshake?
As you can see, Mom Dating is just as hard as Real Dating. Yet ANOTHER hidden secret of Mommyhood that THEY don’t tell you before you join the club. If you are lucky, you will find that special someone who you can sail off into the sunset of Play Date Companioned Bliss and be best friends forever, united by the bonds of snark and Pinot Grigio. And, you must hope and pray that you don’t have to endure too many First Play Dates with moms who judge you for using ketchup or with moms who use the word “supposably”…..it’s a jungle out there, I tell you.
Frankly, choosing a Play Date Companion would be INFINITELY easier it if sites like eHarmony and Match.com broadened their horizons and started eSanity.com or MomMatch.com. I mean, honestly, for the number of couples they’ve claimed to bring to loving bliss, those sites would be GOLD MINES……