Spoiler Alert: I’m Not Perfect

I have a secret but I’m pretty sure you already know what I’m going to say:  I’m not perfect.

Sigh.

I can trace my desire to be perfect back to my childhood days.  We moved a lot when I was a kid and, as such, I spent a lot of time packing and unpacking my belongings.  One time, I even came home from school to find a large, burly mover unceremoniously dumping my clothes, box by box, on to my bed in a giant, jumbled heap.  Moving is chaotic, discombobulating and disorienting and, for a kid, it’s worse.  I hated to see my stuff abused, thrown around and treated with little respect.

And so, I vowed that, if and when I ever owned a home, mine was gonna be P-E-R-F-E-C-T.

SHUT. UP.  I can hear you laughing.

Flash forward twenty years to when Hubby and I bought our first home.  As I lovingly filled it with my perfectly matching Willams Sonoma dishes given to us for our wedding, I had big plans.  I was going to redecorate every square inch with an exacting interior designer’s eye.  I was going to paint every wall, strip every sheet of wallpaper and pull out every bit of carpeting all while making gourmet meals and keeping up with my reading list.  I was going to make our home the envy of the street and all who entered would behold a site of perfection that would make even Martha Stewart weep.

Yeah.

Let me tell you:  that so did NOT happen.  Ask me about the time we rented an aerator for the lawn and Hubby and said aerator flew off the curb because he couldn’t turn it off.  Or, shall I enlighten you about the time we found a beehive in our wall that had eaten the drywall right out to the brick exterior?  Or, better yet, sit a spell and let me tell you about the time Hubby and I installed crown molding with a only one hammer between us only to discover when we’d put the last piece in that we’d installed it upside down.

Bob Villa would have laughed his ass off at us.

And then, the Fruit Loops showed up and blew any chance of perfection I dreamed of right into oblivion.

As I write this, my kitchen sink is full, my laundry is half done, I’m still sweating from working out and the Fruit Loops just informed me that we are out of toilet paper.  Oh, and my perfect air conditioner just broke on the hottest day of the year.

Martha Stewart would die a thousand deaths if she showed up right now.

My point is that if *I’m* not perfect, I suspect you aren’t either.  I bet you have a tale or two from times you wanted to crawl into a hole because you were less than perfect when it really counted.  I’m guessing that you have a story that all of your friends know and love to recount at your expense at every cocktail party you attend.  Just ask my friends about the time I showed up to the bus stop like a bat out of hell to yell at Hubby because the Fruit Loops missed the bus on his watch.  My neighbors STILL tease me about the crazed look in my eyes when he dared to ask me how to get to the school so he could drop them off.  It was perfection personified, I tell you.

So, when Jen Mann of People I Want To Punch In The Throat asked me to submit for her latest anthology, I Just Want To Be Perfect, I jumped at the chance.  More like lunged like a fat kid chasing the last piece of cake, if you want to know the truth.  I had so many stories to chose from that it actually took me several weeks to decide what to submit.  And, I promise:  I did NOT disappoint.  Really, you’ll read my story with your jaw on the floor.  I won’t ruin the story but, uh, it involves an inappropriate email and getting F-I-R-E-D from a job.  Yeah.  Not my finest moment AT ALL.

And now, you get to read about my perfectly imperfect firing and other stories from 27 amazing writers.  Seriously, we are a messed up bunch of imperfect morons, I must say.

Go buy the book, read it, laugh your ass off and then tell all your friends that you aren’t perfect, either.

Because if you think you are perfect, you are so totally a lying liar pants on fire pants.

In case MY ESSAY isn’t enough to convince you to buy the book, look who I’m rubbing shoulders with….I MEAN, COME ON, PEOPLE.

Jen Mann – People I Want to Punch in the Throat / I Just Want to Pee Alone

Bethany Kriger Thies – Bad Parenting Moments

Deva Nicole Dalporto – MyLifeSuckers

Julianna Wesby Miner – Rants From Mommyland

LOLA LOLITA – SammichesPsychMeds / MockMom

Kim Bongiorno – Let Me Start By Saying

Alyson Herzig – The Shitastrophy

Kathryn Leehane – Foxy Wine Pocket

Harmony Hobbs – Modern Mommy Madness

Erin Dwyer Dymowski – Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Tara Wood – Love Morning Wood

Kelcey Kintner – The Mama Bird Diaries

Lisa René LeClair – Sassypiehole

Joelle Wisler – Joelle Wisler, Writer

Meredith Spidel – The Mom of the Year

Meredith Gordon – Bad Sandy

Nicole Leigh Shaw – NicoleLeighShaw.com

Allison Hart – Motherhood, WTF?

Jennifer Lizza – Outsmarted Mommy

Suzanne Fleet – Toulouse and Tonic

AK Turner – Vagabonding with Kids

Robyn Welling – Hollow Tree Ventures

Ashley Fuchs – The Malleable Mom

Kim Forde – The Fordeville Diaries

E.R. Catalano – Zoe vs. the Universe

Chrissy Woj – Quirky Chrissy

Stacey Gill – One Funny Motha

Wendi Aarons – wendiaarons.com

Jen Simon – jensimonwriter.com

Janel Mills – 649.133: Girls, the Care and Maintenance Of.

Jessica Azar – Herd Management

Susanne Kerns –The Dusty Parachute

Audrey Hayworth – Sass Mouth

Hedia Anvar – Gunmetal Geisha

Christine Organ – christineorgan.com

Shya Gibbons – ShyaGibbons