Is anyone else feeling the stress of being the World’s Most Perfect Mom EVUUUR?
Is anyone else looking at The Pinterest wondering who the heck has the time to make crafts, perfect crockpot meals and put outfits together that would make Polyvore swoon?
Does anyone else look around them and see moms who spend more time volunteering, driving, organizing, creating, cleaning, shopping and merry making than you do?
Okay, good. It’s not just me.
This morning, as I was working (and by “working”, I mean Facebooking, Tweeting and scanning HuffPo Parents), I came across an article on HuffPo about a mom who hand makes a different Disney princess dress for her daughter EVERY TIME they go to a Disney Park. I’m not lying. See it HERE. The woman makes a dress for her daughter. By hand. For the many times they go to Disney.
Okay, seriously?
Here’s the thing: I don’t remember my mom doing that for me when I was a kid. And, what’s more: I don’t remember ANYONE ELSE’S parents doing this for my friends, either.
WTF, Fruit Loop Group?
Here’s what else I don’t remember:
1). I don’t remember my mom or dad sitting at every single sports, play or chorus practice my brother or I attended. In fact, I remember being dropped off with rolling stop at the curb and being told to be back in that exact spot in two hours when practice was over.
2). I don’t remember my mom coming into the classroom for every single class party, field day, assembly, play, award ceremony or birthday celebration. I remember my parents coming to a violin recital when I was in second grade and I remember them attending the major milestones of my activity career but, uhm, I can assure you that my teachers spent more time with me during the day in my formative years than my parents did.
3). I went to Disney twice. In my entire childhood. And I wore this:
And my mother didn’t make it for me. We got it at Sears.
4). I don’t remember words like “Issues” and “Play Dates” and “Conscious Uncoupling”. People had bad times, kids just played and people got divorced. End of story. No one “Ferberized” their baby to sleep, no one “reasoned” with a three year old and no one asked their four year old how they felt about sleeping in their own bed. Nope. You got spanked and sent to bed without dinner. And, trust me, one night on an empty stomach was enough to make you rethink mouthing off.
5). I don’t remember my parents listening to my every conversation, tracking me with sophisticated technology or friending me on The Facebook so that they could be my friend, too. Nope. I had my own phone line (okay, yes, that was the ONE thing I was spoiled with as a teen….forgive my parents for showering me with affection in the form of an additional land line from AT&T) and, as far as I know, they never answered it or recorded the calls a la The FBI. They knew my friends and gave me the freedom to be out with them with no means of communication other than a quarter in my pocket to use at a pay phone. And, if I missed my curfew, there was no discussion or “reasoning”: I was grounded. And lost my car privileges (which was a 1989 Chevy Celebrity station wagon that I shared with my mom, incidentally. And by “shared”, I mean “was allowed to use on alternate Tuesdays if my mother deemed necessary”).
6). I don’t remember my parents being MY FRIENDS. They were my parents. Who I had to respect. And listen to. And argue with. And roll my eyes at. And ask for money. They weren’t my social circle and if The Facebook was around when I was in high school, they wouldn’t have been the least bit interested in being my friend on there, either. Because they were MY PARENTS. Not my friends. Frankly, truth be told, I have NO IDEA what they did with themselves during the four years I was in high school and hanging out with my friends. I’m sure they had a good time.
7). I don’t remember birthdays parties that involved catering, cakes that included fondant recreations of Holly Hobby, Wonder Woman or The Smurfs or favor bags filled with gift cards. Halloween costumes came from the grocery store and had plastic masks that made you look like Little Orphan Annie no matter the character you selected. All of your Christmas presents were purchased at Sears or Kmart and The Easter Bunny brought you jelly beans, a chocolate bunny and green grass that you’d find around the house for six months. That’s it. And we liked it.
8). I don’t remember being involved in dance, Brownies, karate, track, gymnastics, cheerleading and drama all at once when I was merely eight. I also don’t remember my siblings being involved in baseball, basketball, wrestling, Cub Scouts, and debate all at the same time. I don’t remember parents worrying about exposing their children to “new experiences” and “things they didn’t get to do as a child”. I don’t remember parents shelling out thousands of dollars on 12 dance costumes for one recital or hundreds of dollars for baseball camp so their son’s pitch would be improved in time for team try outs. Nope. If you liked an activity or sport, you tried it, you played it and you went home. And your parents didn’t stay to watch you practice it (see #1). I don’t remember hearing a single parent say, “But Denise just loves ballet so much that I have no choice but to let her go to classes five hours a day, six days a week”. Do YOU remember hearing anyone say that when you were a kid? I didn’t think so.
Now, don’t get me wrong here: I am just as guilty as the next parent of trying to Keep Up With The Mommy Joneses. My Fruit Loops are over scheduled sometimes, have an entire floor of our home dedicated to toys and they have already been to Disney twice at the ripe old ages of eight and eleven. Christmas morning is an embarrassment of riches around here and I had to stop myself from buying $25 organic chocolate bunnies for their Easter baskets last week. And, yes, I make their Halloween costumes by hand. And I KNOW my mother laughs at me for doing so.
What I’m saying is that maybe we should all collectively step back and think about the culture we are creating for our kids. The fact that handmade Disney princess dresses are necessary for a trip to visit Mickey Mouse is actually ludicrous. And we all accept it in some way, shape or form every day. From designer invitations to over the top birthday parties to handmade dresses for trips to overpriced theme parks, we are telling our children that more is always better and teaching them to never be satisfied with a Duncan Hines box cake.
What does that say about us as parents?
When does it end?
I know one thing’s for sure: if my mother ever caught me making dresses for Fruit Loop #2 to go to Disney, she’d send me to bed without dinner AND take away the station wagon on Saturday night. And I’d probably be grounded.And I’d listen to her. And stop. Because I really need the car Saturday night…..
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31 Responses
I loved this post, Christine! Although my memories are maybe a little older than yours, they are very similar. My hubby and i are now raising our 8 year old grandgtr and, i must say, its a whole new ballgame, lol. From when i was a kid, to when i raised my kids in the seventies and eighties, i frel clueless now. Adrianna expects us to play with her all the time she is home from school, watch her stuff on TV when we watch, sit with her when she has a bath, watch her at skating lessons, etc. And all the other “moms” seem to be doing the same things. Where did these ideas come from, lol. I know neither of my parents ever played dolls or rode bikes with me, but i never felt neglected. It sure is a different world!
Ah Christine! Your posts never fail to make me smile. It’s like I wrote this one myself. My kids are little older than most of the mommy’s around here – both teenagers. But I completely agree with you – when did this hoover parent obsession begin? I couldn’t tell you one single thing about the going on’s of my parents life for my high school years and everyone involved was ok with that. Just like you, I know I fun! Cheers & keep up the giggles 😀
Couldn’t agree with you more. Facebook and mobile phones with cameras didn’t exist when we were young, our generation is responsible for creating the rules with our kids when it comes to that sort of thing. It’s not being a helicopter parent, it’s being a realist and proactive about keeping your kids safe.
Uh… that was supposed to be in response to Tabitha’s comment about online predators below. Stupid phone…
Hablando de Alberto Olmos, éste es un caso tan patético como conmovedor de lo importante que es la jodienda en esta vida: todo lo que hizo ese tÃo, desde la primera hasta la última de sus novelas pasando por los diferentes blogs y la imagen forzada de macarrilla prvadcooor, está originado por su condición de gafotas calvorota tirando a gordito que no se come un rosco.
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I did an independent study in the early '80s and read John Nada's "Carlos the Bewitched." Yes, his line was inbred and his "wife" was also his cousin. If they had actually managed to conceive a child, I hate to think what would have resulted.
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I’ve been asking around trying to figure out why the hell I am the only mom who drops my kid off for a 1 1/2 hour practice, but I get no answers! Now I know I’m not the only one that thinks this is absurd. Love this pos!
oops – forgot the m on .com in my first comment. 🙂
As always spot on! The challenge is when you try to divert to utilizing the philosophies of old somehow your kids suffer…if I don’t show up for the event the teacher asks my kid “where was your mom?” If you don’t have them in countless activities other parents feel free to weigh in with “why aren’t you doing x y and z..they’ll never get into college if you don’t have them in X”…fortuntately, I don’t care..we scaled back in the activity department and both myself and kids feel good about that.
You know what else my mom never did when I was a kid? She never drove me to the bus stop and let me sit in her car so I didn’t get wet when it was raining. Good news: I don’t do that either. No kid of mine will melt getting a little rain in their hair.
My mom was a very hands-off mom. While I resented her a little for it, I would much rather than the the mom whose hands were in EVERYTHING, afraid her child couldn’t make a decision or get herself out of a jam. Maybe there was a method to my mom’s madness after all…
I love Fruit Loop Group and I have no idea what Conscious Uncoupling is. Love this post though – t’is all very ridiculous. My poor deprived children have never had a handmade anything to wear, unless made by my mother, because she knows what end to poke the needle in. On the bright side, in this house anyway, the MORE kids want, the MORE chores they have to do to get it. Right – off to crack my whip, these kids want laptops at the age of 5, those toilets better be spotless 🙂
OK, so I had to see those costumes for myself. They are GORGEOUS! And if I had a daughter (which I don’t) and if I was able to and actually liked to sew (which I don’t) I might do something like this, too! What is a bit disturbing, is… they go to Disney HOW MANY TIMES? There was more than a dozen dress pictures, geez!
I am guilty of going overboard when it comes to throwing parties for my only son’s birthdays, Halloween, Elf on the Shelf, St. Patrick’s Day, you name it. I do it mostly because we both like it. Once he’ll be too old / too cool for it, we’ll talk again.
I was a career woman for a long time and struggled to get pregnant. So yes, being a mom is precious to me, I drive him to hockey practice 40 miles per way, I use the smiley cookie cutter for playdate brownies, and when he was younger I bought CARS shoes, sweaters and PJs because he was a hug fan.
Still he is a regular boy who walks to school no matter the weather, he waits his turn, he shares and he knows that money doesn’t grow on trees, and that his freedom and stuff are not to be taken for granted.
Oh, and if he’s home late or bitching about what’s for dinner, there won’t be any iPad time.
I guess what I am saying is, the spectrum of what you do for your kid(s) is wide, and it’s OK as long as you don’t lose track of your other values.
Anónimo russo, você de certa forma mesmo sem querer veio dar razão às minhas paaPsrav.lrovavelmente se houvesse maior intercâmbio você não estaria tão prisioneiro desse seu modelo mental.E não quis dizer que os russos são provincianos, pois há-os em todos os povos e todas as terras, mas aqui até os europeus têm também a aprender com os russos.CumptsManuel Santos
Dytt er jo et kjempetiltak:)Nabobedriften, NSB, hadde en slik kampanje i våres. Hvor avdelingen her i nord skulle gå heile nordlandsbanen, dvs fra Bodø til Trondheim. 72 mil altså.Det har resultert i at min venninne nå fortsatt går 8000 skritt hver dag. Jeg er kjempeimponert over henne, og har derfor trua på at du vil klare deg godt også:)Lykke til:)
Realmente hablamos de cambios de Densidad, utilizando la nomenclatura de Laura Knight. En este sentido, se está elaborando un documento muy importante, para ayudarnos a entender a nivel de divulgación. Piensa que la Desclasificación, implica cambiar muchos arquetipos prejuicios,fundamentos, etc… La información debe irse administrando a medida que la madurez de cada conciencia individual avanza.Lo más importante, como bien ha dicho Heredero de la Tierra en su comentario es:Situad vuestras conciencias en el punto más elevado posible, con integridad, constancia y reflexión. El resto operará a su debido tiempo.Un saludo.
I’ve been looking for a post like this for an age
The only one that I take issue with (and I agree with most of this one anyway) is number 5. I don’t listen in on every conversation they have or read every single text or track their whereabouts and internet activity with sophisticated software. I mean, come on, ain’t nobody got time for that. BUT, and this is a big one, I do periodically check their internet history, text messages and keep an eye on their Facebook activity. I have a 14 yo (almost 15) daughter and 12 and 7 yo sons, and two incidents in recentish history make what I do absolutely necessary. Back in August 2014, it was right before the school year started, I looked up to see my 12 yo son’s (J) computer screen and there was a chat window open that I didn’t recognize. I told him to take his hand off the mouse, pick up the laptop and bring it to me. Do. Not. Close. Any. Windows. What I saw when I looked at the chat window sent chills down my spine. It was through Omegle chat (which I strongly urge every parent to make sure their kid stays OFF of). The boy, or man, or whoever my son was chatting with told J that he was either in his late teens or early 20s. I can’t quite remember the exact age, but I remember it was in the 17 – 25 range. During the course of a very short conversation, this person asked my son if he ever thought about sex, had ever had sex, if he liked girls and if he was gay. My son was talking to a predator and it scared the living shit out of me. He lost all electronic privileges for a month and I was able to block Omegle on his computer and we had a very long talk about the dangers on the internet. Again. It hasn’t happened since. The other incident is with my soon to be 15 yo daughter (B). There’s an 18 yo boy at her school that she told me was “like a big brother and he helps me with math”. Okay, cool. You remember you’re not allowed to date juniors and seniors in high school, and you’re not allowed to actually go out on unsupervised dates until you’re 16, right? *eye roll* Yes, mom, I know. Fast forward a few days later and my mother was holding B’s phone while she went to the bathroom. Because…bathroom. That girl will go in there and hide for an hour with her phone if we let her, so she’s not allowed to take it in there with her. Anyway, the phone goes off in my mother’s hand and she opens the message and sees that there’s a text from this 18 yo boy. She doesn’t read it but she does see that B sent this boy a picture of herself. Thank GOD that she had clothes on. Anyway, long story short, my mother handed me B’s phone and I read through the messages and almost flipped my lid right then there. All day long, a week ago Wednesday, this boy was chatting my daughter up about stuff and the conversation got more and more personal as the day wore on. (The kids were on Spring Break last week.) By the time the evening came around the texts had taken a very sexual turn and I was reading the kind of things that belong in an triple-X rated erotic novel. Now, she has to physically had her cell phone to an adult before she goes into the bathroom and it comes directly to me at bedtime. I check her texts at least once a day. I still don’t read all of her conversations, but I’ve stepped up keeping track of her computer and cell activity.
In this arena, things are definitely different than when we were kids. The dangers are there, and they are so easy for our kids to access. I’m not an advocate of a total invasion of privacy where our kids are concerned. I just believe that there has to be some strict supervision. The one thing I’ve made sure my kids understood as they got older is that: I will trust you until you give me a reason not to, and I will love you no matter what. They know that actions have consequences. And they know that trust, once broken, is hard but not impossible to earn back. And they know that I love them, no matter what nothing will ever change that. (I can’t stress this enough where my babies are concerned!)
Anyway, I’m sorry I wrote SOOO much. I didn’t realize that it got as long as it had. This is just something that I do feel pretty strongly about, considering. 🙂
OMG! I’m so not a caring mother. I do none of those things. Clearly I need to reprimand myself and think of the children :P. They’re surely missing out.
NOT.
They can cook, clean, do their own laundry, make their own birthday cakes for each other, get to school on the subway and skateboard in the park for hours on end.
I obviously need to take a good hard look at myself. Thank you for pointing out my selfish ways 🙂
Nice post. 🙂
Mine is only 6 so I did stay for her first basketball practices, but I can’t imagine doing it for future seasons. I think she would probably focus better if I’m not there anyway.
The thing that always amazes me is all the parents milling around the playgrounds. it’s one thing to follow your barely walking pre-toddler, but these parents follow their 4,5,6 year olds through every step of the park!! Let the kid play! My parents were not once present when I played at the school play ground, I can’t even imagine me wanting them there. I’m sure the thought never crossed their mind to come along. Times are different so I wouldn’t just set her loose and drive away, but I haven’t set foot on the squishy playground floor in several years.
Amen to this post!! I had a similar moment this year around Valentine’s Day! I refused to make an elaborate box that was used for one day & I would end up throwing away! Plus, I’m not crafty….at all:-( And of course I felt like the worst mom ever after seeing them all over Facebook. It’s too much!
It’s not the dress making alone that bothers me. My mom used to make me all sorts of dresses when I was a kid and she did it because she really liked to. I think all moms have their own niche, and some moms really like to craft or make things for their kids just as some moms really like to plan parties or have a super clean house. The thing that really bothers me about the lady with the dresses is how often they go to Disneyland. That just makes for an extremely spoiled child in my mind.
I have a Junior in HS and he has severe ADHD, and he has a college entrance essay that is due. I know about it and I remind him to get to work in the Mom way for gentle prodding….alas…nothing has been done about it.
In the car yesterday, I informed him that he had better get it done and I was not going to write it for him. He just looked at me with a horror look on his face and said, “I did not expect you to do that. I will get it done. And what parent does their kids homework?”
I told him about the idea of “helicopter” parenting. He looked mortified.
I will continue to nudge and remind him because as a parent of a child with ADHD, we have to be the post it notes of memory. BUT I feel like I have done something right because even though he struggles, the idea of me doing his work is a horrible idea to both of us.
Well, I’m a grandmother now, but I loved reading this because I can relate.
When I was a kid, we spent a lot of time (when it wasn’t interrupted by chores) just inventing things, using our imaginations – mostly outside, but sometimes inside (drawing and play-acting, or making things). Mom was in the kitchen usually or cleaning something, but she was not “around” us and it was FINE. It was delicious! We weren’t entertained by our parents; we entertained ourselves. We had oodles of time to do things like lay on a blanket on the grass, enraptured by the awesomeness of stars. Watch beetles go about their daily life. Play simple games of skill like jacks. Save up proof-of-purchase seals from the cereal boxes to send away for a tiny doll or a barnyard animal. Childhood was magical but not because Mom and Dad bought that for us. They were just making ends meet – Dad at his job, Mom at hers (feeding us, keeping house). My sister and I got one nickel apiece per week to spend at the Five & Dime. And yet Life was totally Grand!! I’ve gotta wonder at parents today with their expensive classes and clothes and trips and toys. They’re spending so much money and time, and yet robbing their children of the simplest pleasures in life. Their kids get so bored so easily, because their imagination-muscle is flaccid. I know we can’t turn back the clock and in many ways we wouldn’t want to (there have been some gains and improvements in society!) — but surely parents can do something to minimize the noise and clutter in their children’s lives and let them reconnect with something much more basic and real — their souls need that so much!