There’s a nasty little joke that runs rampant through hospital halls faster than a case of MRSA:
Q: “What’s the difference between a day shift nurse and a night shift nurse?”
A: “About 30 pounds”
Lemme tell you: I became the butt of THAT joke pretty damned quickly after my first year of working night shift. 50 lbs of funny, to be exact….
Turns out, when you work night shift, eat French fries at 2am, sleep erratically, and have an inability to exercise because you are busy sleeping standing up, your body will revolt. At least, mine did. And it wasn’t pretty.
So you can imagine how DELIGHTED I was when I ran into a colleague about a year into my stint of working nights and we had the following conversation:
Him: “Look at you! You must be so excited!”
Me: “Well, working in the ICU is pretty Boss Hogg, I’ll admit…”
Him: “No! I’m talking about your OTHER news!” (insert gesture to my general abdominal region).
Me: “Wait, what? NOOOO, I’m not pregnant!”
Him: “Oh….so how old is the baby now?”
Me: “No kids yet, my friend…”
Him: “……………………Oh, well, uh, you just look, uhm, different, since I last saw you….”
Yeah, that happened.
I walked away from that conversation absolutely CRUSHED. Humiliated. Mortified.
And downright PISSED.
Listen up, America, because I’m only going to say this ONCE:
YOU DON’T GET TO ASK IF A WOMAN IS PREGNANT. EVER.
Ever. EVVVVVUUUUR.
It’s none of your flipping, nosey, too ignorant for words business.
NONE. OF. YOUR. BUSINESS.
Here, let’s practice with my SHOULD I ASK A WOMAN IF SHE’S UP A POLE? Quiz (which, frankly, should be added to BuzzFeed immediately):
1). Do you ask a woman at the bus stop you haven’t seen all summer if she’s pregnant? NO.
2). You see a random woman at the grocery store whose gut has the telltale sign that she’s growing a human in her abdomen. Do you comment? Hell to the freaking NO. Because RUDE. Because STRANGER.
3). True or False: Women want to be asked if they are gestating (you had BETTER have answered FALSE).
4). A woman who looks like she has a watermelon shoved up her shirt is shuffling through the mall, alternately rubbing her belly and placing her hands on the small of her back. She is overheard complaining she has to pee every five minutes and is headed toward Cinnabon. Do you:
A). Ask her when she is due.
B). Tell her that motherhood will be SO EXCITING FOR HER!
C). Reach out, touch her belly and say, “Aw, I loved being pregnant!”
D). Continue walking past her without opening your mouth and proceed on to Williams Sonoma to purchase a pot to bang over the head of the person who asks this poor unsuspecting soul if she’s pregnant.
5). You are standing on a Labor and Delivery floor and a woman is in seemingly active labor. Do you ask if the baby is coming? NO, you moron, you don’t ask pregnant women stupid questions. Go get her some ice chips NOW. I said STAT. (Sorry, THAT was a trick question…my bad).
I don’t care who you are, what your intentions are or whether you think you have the “I Can Tell A Knocked Up Woman From A Mile Away” superpower: it is NEVER okay to comment on the current status of a woman’s uterus.
What annoys me the most about this epidemic of ignorant stupidity is that people actually think it’s OKAY to say the words out loud. It’s as if these morons haven’t been taught “If you have to ASK the question, it’s probably not a good idea.” These are the same people who probably ask if the sky is blue, where Grant is buried and whether you can cry under water. Oh, and they probably say “supposably” and “Valentime’s”, too.
But, I digress.
What makes me even crazier is that there is not an equivalent question asked of men. Think about it. No one asks men if their boobs are real, what they “do all day” or if they are having twins (and believe you me, I’ve seen PLENTY of men sporting guts the size of triplets). I swear to Hello Kitty, the next time a man asks me if I’m ready to pop out another Fruit Loop, I might just counter with “So, when did you lose that other testicle?” with a glance down at his junk.
On behalf of all the belly gaining, pear shaped, extra fluffy women out there, I implore the procreation obsessed, ignorant mouth opening, question asking asshats to THINK TWICE before they verbally assault a woman and her innards on the street.
Keep your comments regarding America’s uteri to yourself and realize that your selfish need for information does not outweigh basic manners.
I won’t ask you what happened to your testicles, you don’t ask me about the miracle of life behind my belly button.
I won’t comment on the fact that your thighs don’t touch and that your abs are rock hard because you haven’t shoved a cantaloupe out of your hoo ha and you can just zip it about my midsection the size of Texas.
It’s as simple as that.
And just to clear things up: no, it’s NOT my time of the month, no, my Fruit Loops are NOT adopted and yes, the ladies are REAL.
Ahem.
I’m glad we understand each other.
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47 Responses
LOVE IT!!!! I had that happen to me too. At a high school reunion. In front of the guy I used to have a crush on.
I hope you punched him in the junk and then asked him what happened to his other testicle, Deva!!
4C is literally my worst fear about pregnancy. I’ve warned my husband that if he ever knocks me up I will probably wind up in jail, because any stranger who sticks their unsolicited hand on my belly is going to lose it.
Any judge who doesn’t call it justifiable is crazy…..
It’s never happened to me… but I did accidentally do it to someone else. *sheepish grin* Boy did I feel like a major idiot.
LOL, Sarah….just never, EVER do it again!!
haha Oh MY! I was nodding along and going all “MMmhhmmm!” with every word you wrote. Love it 🙂
LOL, thank you for posting, Christine!! That question should be banned from conversations everywhere!!
Love this! I was out and about shopping when I was obviously pregnant, and a sales associate at Ann Taylor LOFT was helping me with a dressing room. I was foolishly trying on non-maternity flowy dresses in hopes of making something work. Nothing did. I mentioned to the sales associate helping me that I was some number of weeks pregnant, and she said “wow, you don’t look that pregnant. I didn’t look that way when I was XX weeks pregnant.” I looked at her stunned because I felt huge, and then I noticed that she looked pregnant, too. I thanked her and bought a necklace.
Michelle, kudos for having the grace to zip your lip….and for accessorizing!
You.are.hilarious!
I laughed so hard at this post!
One time, a business colleague from Taiwan that I hadn’t seen in a long time had a meeting at our company. He grinned widely and said “Congratulations!” and pointed to my belly. I said, “Oh! I’m not pregnant, I just ate a bunch of Oreos.” He was mortified! But I just laughed and went to my office to eat more Oreos.
One time my fiance and I were out shopping. We ran into an acquaintance and his thin, gorgeous wife. He slapped my guy on the arm saying congratulations! He asked what for. The guy gestured to my belly and said for the baby of course. My honey put his head down and covered his eyes. I said oh I’m not pregnant I’m just fat but thank you so much for noticing! Smiling sweetly. He turned bright red, mumbled sorry and walked away. My guy looked at me saying wow you let him off so easy!
Haha. Love it. I’ve been asked a few times when I’m due since I still look 4-5 months pregnant (my daughter’s 4!). When I’m offered a seat on the subway, I just take it!
A man I hadn’t seen in several years asked about my two kids. Then he asked when my third was due. We were at my grandfather’s funeral. I was not pregnant. Talk about salt in an open wound…
This happened to me recently too while shopping. (That will teach me not to shop.) I almost roundhouse-kicked the lady. But I politely told her that I wasn’t pregnant. And then she replied, “REALLY?!” So then I roundhouse-kicked her. (In my head.)
yeah, had number 2 happen exactly like that example above. I said “No, I’m just fat. But thanks for asking.”
Happened to me. Embarrassing and humiliating. I had a three month old at home and a client came into my office and asked me when I was going to EVER have that baby. Wow. And she was a woman. A woman who had three kids.
Me dull. You smart. That’s just what I neddee.
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I’ve done it once… and was wrong. It was my son’s new OT and she had on a maternity top *and* was reading her hand on what I assumed was a baby shelf. I asked when she was due… She had her baby 4 months ago. Oops. I apologized profusely as my hubby cackled away… He did tell her that i never ever say anything to people so it is extra amusing that the one time I did, I was wrong. She was a good sport about it, thankfully! But oy… not cool…
Used to happen to me all the time (I’m not that big, I just have a dreadful tummy-sticking-out posture). I was getting so sick of making people’s face puce that I started saying ‘yes I am’ to strangers and then asking for their seat on the train. It has its up sides lol
I was asked if I was expecting a few months ago in the grocery store. Apparently the woman drew that conclusion from how I was wearing my sweater. It’s a pullover, I wasn’t aware that there was more than one way to wear it? I told her no, but clearly I need to hit the gym since total strangers are pointing out my weight. She proceeded to follow me through the store trying to apologize. I was ready to beat her over the head with a can of Rotel by the time I got out of there! And then I went home and cried my eyes out and ate half a batch of chips and queso, because screw you, rude grocery store lady!
in my defense, she wasn’t a total stranger (one of the nurses at my OB’s office) and I could’ve SWORN she had already told me that she was expecting again (we used to talk about our kids a lot, because they were the same ages). so after i had my youngest, i asked her when she was having hers…. cut to mortified embarrassment when she said, “well a really long time i guess since i’m not pregnant!”… yikes.
I made the mistake of asking my daughter that once. I was so mortified and embarrassed. When she did get pregnant, I refused to ask her even though we knew she was! I think she was 6 months along before she asked if i was ever going to acknowledge her pregnancy.. Are you kiddI ng? I will never ask anyone that ever again. Even if they are begging me for a ride to the hospital to give birth. Unless they tell me, I’m not going to mention it.
Equally annoying to me: so when you getting married. If I was I would say. Grrrr…
I was nodding my head a long the entire time! I’ve had customers ask me when I was due ( I had a 4 month old at the time) I would tell them 4 months ago! I also had another employee I worked with tell me I GAINED weight after having my baby!! Jeez can you say inconsiderate and rude!
I had a boss once who had made this mistake in the past. He incorporated it into all his new manager training – right along with the other things that are illegal, or not appropriate to ask of an employee or in an interview (religion, are they married, do they have kids, etc.) He added at the end “and I don’t care if a woman is on the floor giving birth, you DO NOT ask if she is pregnant! but do go ahead and call an ambulance just in case”.
I had a woman at work ask and when I told her I wasn’t pregnant she said “Oh come on, you are, aren’t you. You can tell me”. I think it’s worse to be asked and then not believed when you say no!
unles water is being broken….dont.
I did ask a friend by accident bc i thot I overheard her saying it..but I had Z nothing to do with bellies. I promise!!
I really appreciate this article because I use to be asked all the time when i was due. I really did look very pregnant, but when i told people I wasnt, they would actually argue with me!! Like I wouldnt know. It turned out i had a 48lb cycst on one of my ovaries and had to have major surgery to remove it. I will never ask a woman no matter how ‘obvious’ it may seem.
I hated people touching my belly when I was pregnant. I require a 10ft personal space bubble. And unless someone told me that they were pregnant I would never ask that question.
We need a post where we can make list of comebacks…
This happened to me and not just that… When I was 5 months pregnant (and I looked 9) I was asked if I was having twins, If I was overdue, and all sorts of things like that… It wasnt my fault (directly) that my son was going to be in the 100th percentile. So I would cry like a pregnant woman and go home and keep crying. Up until the day that my husband was with me and someone said I shouldnt be walking so much because I was about to have the baby (I was about 6 months) The hubs flipped out and told the lady she shouldnt be walking so much because she would probably have a heart attack (you know, for being so old) He also said to people that asked my why I was so big, why they were so fucking ugly/stupid/or other offensive word here.
I was mortified, I don´t go out and swear a people I dont know, but I felt accomplished, embarrassed… but accomplished LOL.
You should do one with question(s) not to ask a mom with triplets or quads!! This is some funny stuff!!
I use to get this all the time (hopefully won’t get it again) when I was still in highschool I worked at a small “mom and pop” pharmacy, all the customers were older; in 3 years I was asked “when I was due” 4 different times. I’m just fat, my self esteem would vanish and I would force myself to hold back tears. I really just wanted to knock out any person (don’t care if they’re ancient) who asked me if I was prego, it just drove my depression deeper.
Oh my, I love this. When I was pregnant with my first son, our waitress noticed. I wasn’t bug enough to be really obviously pregnant yet I just started to protrude lol. Yep, she asked when I was due…ummm…fast thinking I looked her dead on and serious proclaiming I was not in fact pregnant….her face was priceless. She was nice, so i came clean after a moment. However, I bet she has never made that mistake again lol
Male boss, customer walks in, he asks ‘the question’. Her response: “I am giving birth to a stillborn on Tuesday”. I will never forget that lesson!
Oh man, one time this guy I HATED and hadn’t seen in a while did this to me. I don’t know what was wrong with me but I just lost it and kicked him in the nuts. It honestly wasn’t that hard (I’m not a psycho), but it just connected way better than I thought it would. I felt really good about it for like half a second as he just stood there but then it hit him and he was DONE. Even the biggest asshole makes you feel bad for him when he’s gasping for air on the ground. It’s amazing how the pain just overwhelms them like that. Just imagine if I had put some real force into it…
I swear I’m not normally like this
Thanks for helping me to see things in a dinfereft light.
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