It is often said that arguing rationally with an irrational person is an exercise in futility and never is that more true than with toddlers and their eating habits. If you live with children, have had children, know anyone with children or have sat next to a table with one in any Red Robin […]
The Things I Didn’t See Coming When I Became A Mom (But I Know Now)
When we brought Fruit Loop #1 home, I knew NOTHING about motherhood. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Alright, maybe not NOTHING necessarily. Fact: I knew how to be mothered but not how to be an actual mom. Man, did I have A LOT to learn when Fruit Loop #1 came across our threshold. When I think back […]
7 Truths No One Told Me About The Reality Of Running (But I’ll Tell You)
I started running in 2006 and no one told me about the toenail thing. Or the chafing thing. Oh, the chafing. Runners far and wide suffer for their craft in ways that mere mortals may never understand. Sore muscles, purple toenails, vomiting at finish lines and having to put Body Glide in places that God […]
The Day I Broke The Baby Monitor
Having a child come into your life is like having Toys R Us, the baby section of Target and the entire baby food section of your grocery store dump their items right into your family room. There are onesies (how can one baby need 93 onesies?), containment items, (exersaucers, bouncy seats, swings, pack and plays, […]
A Woman In Target Called Me A Bitch Over A Muppet Movie (Yes, Really)
I freely admit that, on a regular basis, I can manage to rub someone the wrong way. I’m not always everyone’s cup of tea, sense of humor or favorite color and I’m okay with that. I gave up a long time ago trying to be someone I’m not and I’m pretty pleased with who I’ve […]
No One Puts Baby In A Basement
Last night, I had my FIRST BOOK SIGNING EVER. EV-ER. To say I was nervous is the understatement of the century. And, if I’d allow my BFF to describe me last night as I panicked into the phone on the drive there, well, let’s just say she’s a good friend. And, I highly suggest that […]
My Messy Beautiful Depression
The piece I’m about to share with you is a complete and utter departure from my usual hilarity. It’s a piece I’ve thought about, mulled over, and rejected more times than I can count. I’ve written and rewritten it a thousand times in my head and have been waiting for the perfect time to put […]
Go To Blazes, You Stupid Gorilla
This week, I was invited to guest post on Nicole Leigh Shaw’s Ninja Mom Blog under her wildly popular “Character Assassination Carousel” section. For those not in the know, the CAC is a collection of hilarious essays by bloggers far and wide lampooning, skewering and roasting the children’s books we’ve come to hate reading night, […]
SHOW and Tell
In case you hadn’t heard, I’m in a book. I know, it comes as somewhat of a surprise because I haven’t been talking much about it lately. Pfft. Even I can’t say that with a straight face. HA! So many people have asked me over the last week or so questions like “So, who else […]
Book Blogversary Bonanza!!!
Squuuuueeeeeeeeeeee!!!! March 22 is HERE! Well, it’s tomorrow but it’s practically here….give or take 18 hours. Depending on when you are reading this, it could be two more meals until March 22. Or six episodes of a Law and Order Marathon until March 22. Or one morning nap, three toddler tantrums, one missed afternoon nap, […]
DYING LAUGHING
When you lose a loved one, the funeral process is, at best, bewildering, exhausting and eye opening. You literally go from having had a conversation with your loved one the day before to deciding how many people you need to feed at a meal after the funeral service in a matter of hours. You make […]
The Post Cesarean Section Poop Is HELL.
As most moms will tell you, pregnancy is awesome exactly TWO times: BEFORE you actually get knocked up and AFTER the pea is no longer in the pod. The during part of pregnancy is no walk in the park and I’m not going to bore you with the list of ailments, maladies, situations and hemorrhoids […]
Mean Moms Suck
If you are a Mean Mom, you can leave this page right now. Right. Now. Because, I’m about to give Mean Moms a good old fashioned, much deserved, you’ve had it coming for years, tongue lashing. Good. They’re gone. Now I can talk about them. Behind their backs. Like they do to me. And you. […]
I Just Want To Be ALONE.
Let’s get down and dirty honest here, shall we? In the day in day out chaos of raising fruit loops, answering texts, doing laundry, emptying dishwashers, driving fruit loops all over creation, reading emails, attending birthday parties at germ infested microcosms of hell, answering more texts, sitting in smelly gyms watching yet another sports practice, […]
Becoming THAT Mom
A few nights ago, I had a phone conversation with my bestie in a darkened parking lot and it went something like this: Me: “Would you believe I’m sitting in a parking lot killing time between activities while Fruit Loop #2 eats a reheated dinner from two nights ago in the back seat?” Her: […]
Love Is Courtesy Flushes And Toddlers Who Vomit (Screw You, Hallmark)
One of the many endearing gestures my dad used to do for my mom involved Love Is cartoons. For those of you who aren’t familiar, these cartoons appeared in newspapers across the country and featured two cute, cupid style lovers and a sentimental phrase underneath. My dad used to leave them for my mom, particularly […]
Mother Nature is FIRED
Mother Nature 555 Celestial Way In The Middle Of Nowhere, USA Dear Mother Nature: This letter confirms our discussion today that you, in fact, are no longer employed at Summer Fun and Games and your termination is effective immediately. You will receive exactly two weeks severance for your 900 years of service. You will need […]
If My House Was Burning Down, I’d Save This Favorite Object First (Yes, Really)
While listening to Carrie Underwood sing “My Favorite Things” during the Sound of Music Redeux debacle, I got to thinking about my favorite things. Of course, I thought of the obvious, “you have to pick these things or they take away your mommy card” favorite things: coffee, Downton Abbey, my Fruit Loops, every one of […]