Let’s get down and dirty honest here, shall we? In the day in day out chaos of raising fruit loops, answering texts, doing laundry, emptying dishwashers, driving fruit loops all over creation, reading emails, attending birthday parties at germ infested microcosms of hell, answering more texts, sitting in smelly gyms watching yet another sports practice, […]
Becoming THAT Mom
A few nights ago, I had a phone conversation with my bestie in a darkened parking lot and it went something like this: Me: “Would you believe I’m sitting in a parking lot killing time between activities while Fruit Loop #2 eats a reheated dinner from two nights ago in the back seat?” Her: […]
Love Is Courtesy Flushes And Toddlers Who Vomit (Screw You, Hallmark)
One of the many endearing gestures my dad used to do for my mom involved Love Is cartoons. For those of you who aren’t familiar, these cartoons appeared in newspapers across the country and featured two cute, cupid style lovers and a sentimental phrase underneath. My dad used to leave them for my mom, particularly […]
Mother Nature is FIRED
Mother Nature 555 Celestial Way In The Middle Of Nowhere, USA Dear Mother Nature: This letter confirms our discussion today that you, in fact, are no longer employed at Summer Fun and Games and your termination is effective immediately. You will receive exactly two weeks severance for your 900 years of service. You will need […]
If My House Was Burning Down, I’d Save This Favorite Object First (Yes, Really)
While listening to Carrie Underwood sing “My Favorite Things” during the Sound of Music Redeux debacle, I got to thinking about my favorite things. Of course, I thought of the obvious, “you have to pick these things or they take away your mommy card” favorite things: coffee, Downton Abbey, my Fruit Loops, every one of […]
Hoop Dee Doo Fruit Loop Review
If anyone had told me on New Year’s Eve 2012 that by New Year’s Eve 2013 I’d be sitting here writing a blog, I’d have told them they were cray cray with a capital C. If someone had told me last NYE that I’d have 342 Facebook followers and people who actually read what I […]
It’s Not You, It’s Me
Dear December 25th, I feel as though it’s time we had a talk. I’ve been very unhappy for a very long time and I bet that if you were honest with yourself, you’d admit that you have known for a while that things were not right between us. I’m sure that you’ve noticed that I’ve […]
I Recommend Wearing Blue Suede Shoes To Your Mammogram (Seriously)
There are some sentinel moments in a woman’s aging process that are reason for pause and reflection. The first time you find a grey hair the size of a garden snake in your eyebrows. The moment when you look at your thighs and figure out the quickest route to Florida using all the blue lines. […]
I Am Not A Perfect Parent And I’m Pretty Sure My Kids Know It
Show of hands: Who had a really goooooood time in college? Another show of hands: Who had a reeeeeealllly good time before you had kids? I raised my hand both times. I was blessed in college to meet a group of gals that made my four years of college one of the most memorable times […]
The Year We Hosted Thanksgiving In The Garage. With A Frozen Turkey.
When Hubby and I were young and stupid (read: poor and stupid), we used to day dream about having big family holidays in the new home we didn’t yet own. Visions of snowy windows, crackling fireplaces and family with rosy cheeks at our door used to dance in our heads. We used to get positively […]
No One Tells You That You Have To Do A Lot of Lying As A Mom
I have a secret. You might be shocked and appalled. You might stop following my blog or leave my Facebook page as a result of what I’m about to divulge. Here goes: I. AM. A. LIAR. Yep. You read this correctly. I lie all day long and during the holiday season, it’s at it’s worst. […]
Two More Feet?
As I’ve often said, the transition to motherhood was not an easy road for me. Whether it was because I had my head completely up my ass about what was coming down the pike or that I wasn’t hardwired to accept the challenges of motherhood readily, either way, the road that I’ve travelled to find […]
My KICK ASS Eulogy
When you die, what will people say about you? What will the people around you choose to fit into a teeny tiny column in the paper in the midst of their angst over your untimely demise? Will your eulogy be the standard issue “He was born, he was an engineer, he was a Knight of […]
THIS is BLOGGER IDOL!
True confession time: I am a SUCKER for American Idol and I’ve secretly wanted to be a contestant for years. There was a time when my BFF and I discussed the AI happenings more than any two humans should: Audition city train wrecks? Yes, please! Simon Cowell (come back!!) lambasting a performance as “Cabaret”? You […]
Our Wedding Anniversary Is 9/11 And We Will Always Remember
Our wedding day was perfect. PER-FECT. I’m talking the kind of perfect that made the angels weep. The kind of perfect that would make Martha Stewart pass out because she could never achieve that level of amazing. The kind of perfect that memories of a lifetime are made of and that you cherish forever. I […]
Laura Ingalls I Am Not (Or: 5 Reasons I Hate Camping)
Growing up, I used to watch Little House on the Prairie and dream of being Laura Ingalls Wilder. She was the only girl I knew who had her own horse, got to use an outhouse and spent her days fishing in creeks. She had adventure after adventure in that little house by Plum Creek and […]
Nurses Are Always In the Right Places At The Wrong Times
Over the weekend, I participated in my third triathlon. For months, I’ve been swimming, biking and running all over my town in preparation for the big day. Read: trying not to drown, nearly getting run off roads, and blistering my feet something fierce all for the privilege of paying to spend 2 hours physically […]
The Jig Is Up: I Am 40 Something And My Body Looks, Well, 40 Something
I’m just going to put this out there: I’m 40 years old. And I look, well, 40 years old. As much as I’d like to delude myself into thinking that my body looks like it did when I was 21, sometimes, you just have to face facts. At some point, you have to look in […]