Today, as I was taking photos of the Fruit Loops at the bus stop for their first day of school, I started to sweat. I wasn’t sweating because I was experiencing the vapors over having a quiet house for seven consecutive hours. I wasn’t sweating because I was going to miss the cherubs (pfft….see above). […]
Real Dating Vs. Mom Dating
When you have your first child, you measure those first years in milestones: first smiles, first teeth, first steps. First time the baby meets the grandparents, first car trip and the first solid food. And then you have the NOT so popular firsts: first epic poop situation, first fever, and the first time you realize […]
Loops And Tents and Bears, Oh My!
I loathe camping. This is not a new revelation and we know Laura Ingalls, I Am Not. The Fruit Loops, however, love camping. No, scratch that. They luuuurve camping. This presents a major issue in the summer weather during prime “sleep outside under the stars, next to mosquitos, bears, rabbits and other outdoor fauna while […]
Suck It, Betty Crocker, There’s A New Baker On The Block (Me, Ahem)
I have a secret. I’m an Overachieving Mom. Yep. Totes Magoats. A bonafide OAM. Feels good to get that off my chest. And now I want to be famous on a You Tube channel. Let me explain. This morning, I was reading People magazine (do not judge me: I read it for the Puzzler Crossword […]
I Make No Apologies For Being A Selfish Mother (You Shouldn’t Either)
I think I might be a selfish mom. Scratch that. I know that I’m a selfish mom. I know this because, last night, when it came to dessert, I took the biggest bowl of ice cream for myself. And I didn’t give it to my husband. Or the Fruit Loops. I took it for me. […]
American Girl = I’m In Hell
I dislike a lot of things: bugs with more than four legs, the sound of snow crunching, Justin Bieber, and chocolate raspberry anything. I hate when the garbage smells like a dead body is rotting and it’s four more days until collection day. I hate toddler underwear with skid marks, when my DVR screws up […]
Just Eat It, Dammit!
It is often said that arguing rationally with an irrational person is an exercise in futility and never is that more true than with toddlers and their eating habits. If you live with children, have had children, know anyone with children or have sat next to a table with one in any Red Robin […]
The Day I Broke The Baby Monitor
Having a child come into your life is like having Toys R Us, the baby section of Target and the entire baby food section of your grocery store dump their items right into your family room. There are onesies (how can one baby need 93 onesies?), containment items, (exersaucers, bouncy seats, swings, pack and plays, […]
The Post Cesarean Section Poop Is HELL.
As most moms will tell you, pregnancy is awesome exactly TWO times: BEFORE you actually get knocked up and AFTER the pea is no longer in the pod. The during part of pregnancy is no walk in the park and I’m not going to bore you with the list of ailments, maladies, situations and hemorrhoids […]
Becoming THAT Mom
A few nights ago, I had a phone conversation with my bestie in a darkened parking lot and it went something like this: Me: “Would you believe I’m sitting in a parking lot killing time between activities while Fruit Loop #2 eats a reheated dinner from two nights ago in the back seat?” Her: […]
Mother Nature is FIRED
Mother Nature 555 Celestial Way In The Middle Of Nowhere, USA Dear Mother Nature: This letter confirms our discussion today that you, in fact, are no longer employed at Summer Fun and Games and your termination is effective immediately. You will receive exactly two weeks severance for your 900 years of service. You will need […]
I Am Not A Perfect Parent And I’m Pretty Sure My Kids Know It
Show of hands: Who had a really goooooood time in college? Another show of hands: Who had a reeeeeealllly good time before you had kids? I raised my hand both times. I was blessed in college to meet a group of gals that made my four years of college one of the most memorable times […]
Two More Feet?
As I’ve often said, the transition to motherhood was not an easy road for me. Whether it was because I had my head completely up my ass about what was coming down the pike or that I wasn’t hardwired to accept the challenges of motherhood readily, either way, the road that I’ve travelled to find […]
Laura Ingalls I Am Not (Or: 5 Reasons I Hate Camping)
Growing up, I used to watch Little House on the Prairie and dream of being Laura Ingalls Wilder. She was the only girl I knew who had her own horse, got to use an outhouse and spent her days fishing in creeks. She had adventure after adventure in that little house by Plum Creek and […]
The Jig Is Up: I Am 40 Something And My Body Looks, Well, 40 Something
I’m just going to put this out there: I’m 40 years old. And I look, well, 40 years old. As much as I’d like to delude myself into thinking that my body looks like it did when I was 21, sometimes, you just have to face facts. At some point, you have to look in […]
10 Parenting Truths Other Mothers Won’t Tell You…But I Will
When I joined the ranks of Mommyhood 15 years ago, I was blindsided by the truths that become glaringly apparent the day you join the club. And, as these truths became more evident, I sometimes felt like the other mothers who already knew them were giggling at me next to their lockers and whispering behind […]
A Day In The Life
I am mostly a Stay At Home Mom. By “mostly”, I mean that while yes, I have this blogging gig and yes, I have my part time career as a nurse, on the whole, my main job is keeping the Fruit Loops from completely spilling out of the box. On most days, I am the […]
My Husband Is Having An Affair
She’s sleek. She’s sexy. She purrs. When she’s around, he’s got his eyes on her curves and he just can’t help but touch her parts. She takes him places he’s always dreamed about and my husband is just plain smitten. I’m talking, of course, about our, er, HIS, 1966 Mustang convertible. The Pony is his […]