Keeper of the Fruit Loops

I am The Keeper of The Fruit Loops, Manager of the Fecal Roster and the Driver of the People Mover. In other words, I'm a mom.

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Awards And Books!

It came as a surprise to no one more than me when I was nominated for not one but TWO awards in 2018. Seriously, I don’t think they understand what they’ve done now that I can officially call myself an “Award Winning Blogger.” If nothing else, I at least try to throw my new titles around when I’m trying to get a decent table at Five Guys Burgers. Ahem. Special thanks to Lehigh Valley Style and the Mom 2.0 conference for giving me a nod for my blogging achievements. Now, if you’ll indulge me, I have an acceptance speech that will only take 40 minutes……

 

I’ve been lucky enough to con some pretty amazing publisher blogger ladies into letting me contribute to their humor anthologies about motherhood.  Jen of People I Want To Punch In The Throat has put me in THREE of her books (squeeeeeee!) and the incomparable Jill Smokler of Scary Mommy thought I was funny enough for her Holiday anthology.  So, do a gal a solid and buy one or all of them so that the newbie looks good, m’kay??  And, of course, read MY essay first but definitely check out the other fantastic writers in the books….and then come back to tell me mine was the funniest.  Ahem.

I Just Want To Be Perfect May 2016

My essay:  “Bedpans, Barbies and Busted:  One Nurse’s Perfectly Public Humiliation”

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I Still Just Want To Pee Alone March 2015

My essay:  “Open Letter To My Daughter:  My Mother Was Right And You Should Think I Am, Too”

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Buy Some Pee Alone Time From The Keeper!  SIGNED JUST FOR YOU!


I Just Want To Be Alone, March 2014

My essay:  “Open Letter To My Son (Or:  Your Mother’s Top Ten List Of Ways To Not Be A Douchebag Husband).

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Buy Some Be Alone Time From The Keeper!  SIGNED JUST FOR YOU!


 

Scary Mommy’s Guide To Surviving The Holidays, December 2014

My Essay:  “The Great Turkey Incident of 2006”

Available only from Amazon…click the image to get one of your own!

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The Keeper on Instagram!

fruitloopkeeper

Nurse. Wife. Mom. Runner. Blogger. Writer. Raiser of money for @stjude. #keeperofthefruitloops

Instagram post 2197674241214392454_177938362 Baby Jesus and Morgan Freeman always know, bitchachos. #christmas2019 #christmas #santaiswatching🎅🏼 #santaiscomingevenifthekidsarenaughty
Instagram post 2185154481062659796_177938362 Thursday. We eat on THURSDAY, kids. #thanksgivinghumor #thanksgivingdinner #thanksgiving🦃 #thanksgiving2019🍁🍂 #momhumor #momlife #momtruths #lifewithteens #parentingteens #keeperofthefruitloops
Instagram post 2182054873468539459_177938362 The holidays are coming and that means our lives are about to be filled with good food, close friends and family, and twinkling holiday lights.

As the song says, it's the most wonderful time of the year, right?

But, for those who are grieving, the holidays can feel heavy, sad, and not the least bit merry.

In fact, the year after my Dad died, I related to the Grinch and his cold dead heart on a cellular level.

Even the simple task of adding a little holiday cheer to your office feels impossible.

In fact, the year after my dad died, I couldn't bring myself to assemble the silly colored light tree I usually put in my office, the tree that had made me giddy in all it's $39 Target glory when I bought it the year before.

It's hard to feel merry when you are experiencing a loss.

Grief doesn't take a break just because your office is closed for the week between Christmas and New Year's.

Grief doesn't care that the sight of your now gone loved one's stocking brings you to your knees right next to the Christmas tree.

And, grief doesn't give a rat's ass that you find yourself crying in the middle of the grocery aisle because your loved one's favorite holiday classic is playing on the loudspeaker at the grocery store.

Grief makes the holidays harder.

And though time does heal all wounds, grieving a loved one during this time of year is a special kind of hell.

If you know someone who is dealing with loss this season, consider sending them a meaningful gift from @BeyondFlowersAndFood. Their bereavement and pick me up gifts are the perfect way to say, "Grief sucks, but good friends don't."
#GriefSucksAtTheHolidays #GriefSucks #Grieving #HolidayGrief #Grief #beyondflowersandfood #holidaygifts #griefgifts
Instagram post 2172208339851812813_177938362 And he’s always holding a cup of coffee. Or tea. Bring. On. The. Christmas. Movies. 🧔🏻☕️🎄🎅🏼@hallmark @kissesfromboys #themostwonderfultimeoftheyear #christmasiscoming #christmasseason #hallmarkchristmasmovies #hallmarkmovies #dontjudge #hallmarkmoviesmakemehappy
Instagram post 2168257245068944462_177938362 When it comes to technology, I'm a fairly independent mom.
I know how to find my iCloud.
I (mostly) remember my passwords.
I can operate the 86 remotes my husband has hooked up to our sound system/tv.
But, the other day was just one of those "Why can't we just go back to a Walkman and a cassette?" kind of days.
I wanted to go for a run but it was pouring.
I wanted to catch up on some TV while running on the treadmill but the iPad sound wasn't working.
I wanted to listen to music on the treadmill but basically, the entire universe was telling me to just take several seats and eat Halloween candy instead.
Nevertheless, I persisted.
And called in the big guns: my teen.
In a matter of minutes, he had troubleshooted and brainstormed a solution.
There were extension cords, blue tooth devices, and several "I got this, Mah" eye rolls but, in the end, he managed to hook me up with his wireless speakers.
Yes, I looked ridiculous but I was READY for my run.
As I hit start, I told him, "Go ahead, hit the sound!"
And he did.
FART SOUNDS FLOODED MY EARS, BITCHACHOS.
As he keeled over laughing, I realized that this is motherhood with teens.
They are helpful, yes.
They also love getting a laugh at their mother's expense, disgusting sounds and all.
Also?
Fart apps remind us that we all have a 12 year old tucked inside us, just waiting for a good laugh. @joe_burke0227 
#lifewithteens #parentingteens #motherhoodunplugged #motherhood #momtruth #momofteens #teensaregross #teensarealsofunny #jokesonmom
Instagram post 2167910397888285871_177938362 I’m gonna getting my shit together any day now. Probably. Maybe. (Thanks for this gem, @xoxsai) #tgif #fridayvibes #fridaynight #motherhoodunplugged #momtruth #momlife #momproblems #parentingmemes #parentinghumor #momhumor #momjokesfordays
Instagram post 2164899974058480758_177938362 Good talk.
#halloween🎃 #candycornsucks #halloween2019 #halloweencandy #candycornistrash #teamreeses #peanutbuttercupsforthewin
👻🎃😈
Instagram post 2153448486786390354_177938362 Tonight, I sent my son off to Homecoming. Or, HoCo if you are a cool kid.
Moms of boys will tell you that boys are “easier” when it comes to dances.
Moms of girls have hair appointments for elaborate updos.
Moms of boys beg their sons to get get haircuts and to shave.
Moms of girls spend months looking for dresses, accessories, shoes, and handbags.
Moms of boys find themselves shopping 48 hours before the event in hopes of finding a fitted shirt in their size and questioning all our life choices when our sons say, “Can’t I just wear jeans?”
Moms of girls spend the afternoon of a dance helping to calm nerves about makeup, shoes that pinch, and chilly nights that necessitate a sweater over the teeny tiny dress she’s chosen.
Moms of boys watch their sons come in hot to the house  20 mins before they have to be ready for pictures asking, “Mah, can you iron my shirt?”
But, for all of the ease that boys bring, moms of boys will tell you that the glimpse of their sons cleaned up in a tie makes us remember the times when they promised marry us when they were three.
Moms of boys will tell you that seeing their smile when they are with their friends on their special night is what we’ve always hoped for them.
And moms of boys will tell you that when they throw their arms around your shoulder and  say, “Thanks for making tonight special, Mah,” you realize there’s nothing easy about watching them take one step closer to their college years.
Yes, boys are easier.
But not on our hearts.
Hope tonight was wonderful, @joe_burke0227. I’m waiting up to hear all about it.
#boymom #momofboys #parentingboys #motherhood #motherhoodunplugged #momtruth #momofteens
Instagram post 2153078872722286589_177938362 This is not a trick question, bitchachos. 🎃Being a teen in 2019 is hard work and our kids experience stresses we couldn’t even fathom back when we were wearing baby doll dresses and swooning over *NSYNC. Life is harder for them and if a teen wants to hold onto their childhood for another year by having some good clean fun in costumes, then I say the more the merrier. And I give out the good candy, too, so if you are hating on teens and Halloween, send them my way. My light will be on allllll night, teens. #halloween🎃 #halloween🎃👻 #lifewithteens #parentingteens #momofteens #parenting #momtruth #parentingunplugged #motherhoodunplugged
Instagram post 2151946494696120570_177938362 Before my father died, I didn't know how the process of grieving worked.

I didn't know that the call that changes your life comes when you are just about to sip a pumpkin spice coffee.

I didn't know that when you hear your loved one has passed away, you look around and wonder when someone who knows what to do will show up.

And I didn't know just how much lasagna I would eat for the next six months. Seriously: so. much. lasagna.

In the months and years after my father's death, I have tried to send meaningful bereavement gifts rather than flowers that will be chucked into the garbage a week later.

@beyondflowersandfood understands that, when crisis strikes, you just want to comfort a friend or a loved one with a gift that says, "I love you enough to not send a lasagna." Their team understands that the last thing you want to be doing while comforting a friend from afar is standing in long line in a post office.

They understand that too many flower arrangements make a home smell like a funeral home almost immediately. #nope #hardpass

And, they understand what it's like to scrape a lasagna, uneaten, into the garbage because you just can't stomach food in the throes of grief.

In short, they understand grief and what it means to try to commemorate a friend or loved one in a meaningful way.

Head to my IG stories and swipe up to read more about this very special company. (And, while you may not need to send a bereavement gift today, chances are, you will at some point. So follow Beyond Flowers and Food on social so that you can find them when you need them. Their team will be ready to help, without a lasagna in sight.) #grief #griefsucks #skipthelasagna #trust #grievingfamilies #beyondflowersandfood #grieflife
Instagram post 2135096184736474217_177938362 Last week, I attended a conference for work and I felt like a fish out of water.
The environment was new, the people were unfamiliar, and I was anxious to make a good impression.
Translation: it’s a recipe for excessive pit sweat, verbal diarrhea, and the constant worry you have something in your teeth.
After a long morning of attempting to look purposeful (read: control the verbal diarrhea), I found myself washing my hands in the bathroom next to a mom who was trying to finish up changing her little one’s diaper.
As the baby fussed in the stroller, I walked over and made faces to entertain her and told her mom to take her time.
For the first time at the conference, I felt like I’d made a connection.
And yes, it was with a six month old. Shut up.
The mom finished up, I held the door for her, and we exchanged pleasantries.
About 20 mins later, as I waited in line for a seat in the hotel restaurant, the mom and baby were there, too, ahead of me.
When the hostess asked her what size table she needed, she turned and looked at me.
“Would you like to join me for lunch?” she inquired with a hopeful smile.
I hope she didn’t see the tears in my eyes as I accepted.
We spent a lovely lunch together, exchanging professional resources and contacts as well as generally enjoying each other’s company.
A stranger’s kindness made all the difference for me that day.
When my kids were small, I always told them “Look for a mom with a stroller,” if they were separated from me.
“A mom will always help you if you are lost,” I would say.
I found a mom with a stroller and she did just that for me.
#MomsWithStrollersCanSaveTheWorld #momstrong #momstruggles #momstroller #workingmoms #momsofinstagram #motherhoodunplugged❤️ #momtruth #momlife #fincon19 #momshelpingmoms #bekind #choosekindness💕 #choosekind
Instagram post 2134206969211443729_177938362 Happy Monday, everyone! Here’s hoping you only run into people who can clearly tie their shoes....and that you aren’t stuck tying a toddler’s shoes 900 times. #mondaymotivation #mondayhumor #mondaymood #mondayvibes #monday😂 #surroundedbyidiots
Instagram post 2131996597930919816_177938362 This week, Hubby and I celebrated 20 years of marriage with a  grown ups only trip to NYC.
We wined. We dined. We slept like the dead in a quiet hotel room (seriously: 48 hours without carpools, teen social lives, and work responsibilities? Of course we slept. 😏)
Oh, and we touristed in every way.
Yesterday, we decided to climb @thevesselnyc and, about two staircases up, I realized my fear of heights was going to get the best of me.
Despite the fact that the staircases are enclosed, safe, and not at all obvious death traps, my brain told me otherwise.
Hubby caught this pic of what seems like me holding onto a railing on the 7th story.
What you can’t see is my heart pounding, palms sweating, and the terror in my chest.
You can’t see the panic and the feeling of doom that had enveloped me.
This is what a panic attack looks like: it’s a private hell and it’s not always obvious that someone is fighting a battle with anxiety.
As I was dry heaving and holding on for dear life, a kind dad with several kids put his hand on my shoulder and said, “I can see you are scared. Who can I find to help you? Do you need me to help you get down the stairs?”
That kind moment helped me focus and just being seen in my moment of anxiety was incredibly helpful.
Thankfully, Hubby was close by and this isn’t his first rodeo with my heights related panic (ask him how our anniversary hiking trip in @zionnational went two years ago). He did all of the right things to help me get safely back down to terra firma.
A fear of heights can be embarrassing for a control freak like myself, especially in public.
But it’s a reminder that everyone needs a helping hand.
Everyone has fears, things that make them feel panicked.
And, if you see someone who is struggling, acknowledge them and offer a helping hand.
It will make all the difference.
Also?
For our 25th anniversary, there will be no climbing excursions. Lesson learned. 
#anxiety #panicattack #fearofheights #nope #thevessel #thevesselnyc
Instagram post 2124767742570420414_177938362 .....but I'll be the first one to admit when my kids have screwed up. Don't get me wrong: I've always got their backs but, I'm not in the business of raising assholes, people. Do I think raising teens is the best part of parenting? Yes. Will I also call them out for bad behavior and make them own up to their poor choices? Also yes. (Follow @yourteenmag!) #lifewithteens #parentingteens #momofteens #momtruth #motherhoodunplugged #parentingteensishard
Instagram post 2124273829996831194_177938362 Before I had kids, I used a lot of “never” statements:
“I’m never getting a minivan.”
“I’m never getting a dog.”
“I’m never going to watch movies with superheroes, vampires, or creatures that don’t actually exist in reality.”
Welp.
While I have held firm on the minivan thing 💪🏻, I started eating my words a few years ago when a rescue named #daisytheshihtzu changed my life.
And, this summer, I swallowed my words again when I agreed to attend Marvel University with my teens.
Yep.
This mom became a super hero when she agreed to watch 18 Marvel flicks in release order.
Tonight is the finale: I’ve made it to End Game. I’ve done my course work, I’ve gone for tutoring (read: asked 9 thousand times what the hell a #tesseract is and drooled over #thorragnarok), and I’ve been a diligent student and not at all annoying. Ahem.
And the most surprising part?
I’ve loved every minute of my Marvel summer school assignments.
I did not see that coming, bitchachos.
When the kids announced they were in charge of snacks for our big Marvel finale night and they came home with snacks in the colors of the #infinitystones, I realized that you don’t have to wear a cape to be a hero to your kids.
Turns out, you just have to be willing to wear a #captainamerica T shirt every now and again while the dog you said you’d never get silently judges you.
#marvelmom #ididntseethiscoming #marvelmoviemom #marvelmovies #momhero #motherhoodunplugged #momtruth #lifewithteens #momofteens
Instagram post 2119693850103769981_177938362 My tongue has permanent scars from all the times I've bitten it to keep myself from devolving into a teenager around my teens. No, but seriously, I DESERVE A MEDAL, BITCHACHOS. Follow @yourteenmag because they are biting their tongues, too. #lifewithteens #parentingteens #momofteens #bitingmytongueforinfinity
Instagram post 2119212585531104679_177938362 When I sent my first child off to school, I baked a batch of cookies that day to keep my mind off how much my heart hurt seeing him head to kindergarten.
When my youngest left for school, I baked through tears to keep my mind off how quiet the house was that day.
Every year, on the first day of school, they come home to a fresh plate of cookies.
Some years, I bake because I’m anxiously awaiting word that a new school is gonna be just fine.
Other years, I bake to ignore the mess left behind by a summer well summered.
And, some years, I bake because the realization that years are going by too fast is too much and the combination of shortening, butter, and sugar are a salve.
They think I’m doing it for them. Little do they know.....
Today, I sent my son off for his junior year of high school.
This is his second to last first day of school.
Baking always helps. 
And homemade chocolate chip cookies don’t suck, either. ❤️#backtoschool #backtoschool2019 #bakermom #chocolatechipcookies #cookiesmakeeverythingbetter🍪 #momofteens #momofteenagers #momtruth #motherhoodunplugged❤️ #Parenting #baking #bakewithlove
Instagram post 2116036249461581287_177938362 Tuesday night wasn’t special.
It was just a random summer Tuesday and I found myself in NYC overnight for work.
After a full, productive day and with most of my city friends on vacation or with other plans, I found myself with  an evening to myself.
It’s been a long summer with kids and a dog and a “work from home more than he doesn’t” husband underfoot as I’ve juggled my full time freelance life.
It’s been a lot.
But, what there hasn’t been a lot of is ME enjoying a lazy summer evening.
So, rather than retiring to my hotel room to spend several hours logging more work time to get ahead on projects, I laced up and ran out the door.
Before I knew it, I’d run 46 blocks on a hot, sweaty summer evening in the city.
I raced the unsuspecting runners next to me (I won, of course), I dodged bikers, and I smiled at dogs on their evening constitutionals with their owners.
Mostly, I let myself breathe in the feels of summer.
Six exhausting miles later, I detoured through Grand Central Station just to marvel at how pretty that space is, rather than dashing through like I usually do.
As I kicked off my running shoes and sipped the giant beer I treated myself to after a run well done, I promptly knocked over said beer and it soaked my brand new running shoe completely through just as Hubby tried FaceTiming me to see how my day went.
Because that’s what motherhood does to you: you might run away from home but your chaotic life will always be waiting for you when you get home.
So, go for the run.
Take a walk around the block.
Sit in the garage for an extra five before you face the disaster of homework, dinner, and bedtime.
The mess will always be waiting.
But you’ll feel ready to deal with whatever they are throwing at you.
#workingmom #momlife #momtruth #runnermom #momrunner #workingmomproblems #motherhoodunplugged❤️ #keeperofthefruitloops
Instagram post 2114620665150584341_177938362 OMG, I was ALWAYS that kid....and, inevitably, I'd walk into an open locker or a giant upperclass football player would knock me over and then I'd miss the details about how my friends were going to the mall and  I'd have to pretend I heard everything they said while still trying to look cool even though I had a goose egg from walking into a locker while being polite. OMG, HIGH SCHOOL WAS HARD. Please tell me I am not the only one who was awkward AF in high school. (Follow @yourteenmag!) #lifewithteens #parentingteens #momofteens #momtruth #motherhoodunplugged #parentingteensishard #highschoolmemories #highschooldaze #highschool
Instagram post 2109547373351977212_177938362 It really is a fine line with teenagers. Ahem. (Follow @yourteenmag!) #lifewithteens #parentingteens #momofteens #momtruth #motherhoodunplugged #parentingteensishard
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