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You are here: Home / Parenting Is Hard Enough / Your First Child Can Make You Feel Like You Are Screwing It All Up

Your First Child Can Make You Feel Like You Are Screwing It All Up

June 2, 2019 By Christine 1 Comment

When the nurse handed me my son after delivery, I panicked. I felt my heart start to race, my hands started to shake and I could feel sweat forming on my forehead. 

“Am I holding him the right way? What if I don’t know what he needs? What if I screw him up?” I looked at the kindly nurse as if she’d be able to magically answer my frantic questions.

“I’ll tell you what I tell all of my new moms: if you screw up, just try again. You’ll get it right eventually.” And, after she helped me adjust my infant in my arms, she winked and left me to get to know him.

And I did.

Screwing up
Every day, I worry that I’m screwing up as a parent.

I learned the sound of his “hungry cry” and his “I need a diaper change” cry. But not before suffering through night after night of trouble shooting and paging through every baby book in my arsenal as he screamed until he was purple in the face.

Eventually, we figured it out and we moved onto the next challenge.

I learned how to make his rice cereal just the right consistency so that it didn’t wind up on his bib. But not before rushing him to the doctor several times because I was afraid he wasn’t gaining weight.

Eventually, we figured it out.

I learned to recognize that my son needed to rock for a half an hour before he could settle down to sleep and that he always needed his special stuffed caterpillar next to him. But not before spending four solid months in a sleep deprived stupor before I finally caught on to what his cries were telling me.

Eventually, we figured it out.

And that’s how it’s been for me and my first born since the day we met in that hospital room fifteen years ago.

Together, we’ve faced the firsts of childhood and I’m certain I screwed some of it up along the way.

He’s my firstborn.

The one who made me a parent.

The one who has seen my mothering highs and he’s been the one to witness firsthand my mothering lows.

On a run with a friend recently, we both lamented that we feel sorry for our firstborn sons because they are our guinea pigs. Our parenting experiments, if you will. Our firstborn children are doomed to have to suffer through our inability to understand Snapchat and our propensity to yell too loudly when we are in the passenger seat as they drive.

Every day, it seems a new situation arises that forces us to have to make a split second decision, much in the same way we wrestled with whether or not to enforce time outs or to finally take that pacifier away.

Only now, it feels more urgent.

Because we are raising our teens to leave us, sooner than we’d like to admit.

When our kids are toddlers, we have the gift of time on our side.

We can forgive ourselves more easily because we can tell ourselves that they won’t remember that their first birthday party had a cake that was burned on three sides. We can laugh off the times when we’ve forgotten appointments or play dates.

But with teens, every parenting decision feels more important. More permanent and written in stone.

Should he take AP classes? 

What age should we let him have a cell phone? 

How can I impress upon him that cell phone data doesn’t grow on trees?

Will he permanently scarred if I go back to work and leave him alone in the afternoons as you chase my old career?

So many “what ifs” are staring me in the face as I parent my teens and it feels overwhelming.

I worry every day that I’m not doing enough to raise responsible humans who will be courteous to roommates and who will remember to file their taxes every year.

Some nights, I lie in bed and replay an argument with my teens over cleaning up the dinner dishes or declaring my son’s room a toxic waste dump and I think of all the ways I could have approached the situation differently. I mean, I speak the truth when I say my son’s room is unfit for humans most days but I chastise myself for letting the little things get to me when it comes to raising my kids.

I worry that I am being too strict or too lenient.

I worry that I am not letting them forge their own paths in favor of pushing them towards the activities and experiences I loved when I was their age.

I worry that I will never understand Snapchat.

I worry they’ll leave my home without a firm understanding of how to separate colors from the whites, make our family’s traditional Thanksgiving gravy or how to drive a manual transmission.

But, mostly, I worry that I will miss the chance to impress upon them how much I want to parent them just right. 

I don’t want to screw up parenting my teens.

Because they deserve a mother who gets it right for them, at least eventually, one mistake at a time.

But, on the nights when the voice of doubt starts to whisper too loudly in my ear and threatens to undermine my confidence as a parent of teens, I think back to what that kind nurse said to me so many years ago.

“If you screw up, just try again. You’ll get it right eventually.”

Just keep trying with your teens, Moms and Dads.

You’ll get it right eventually.

You’ve been doing it from the start.

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Filed Under: Parenting Is Hard Enough Tagged With: teens

Comments

  1. Messy Mama says

    June 22, 2019 at 12:11 pm

    The first year with my daughter was really hard. Being my first child, I spent a lot of time stressing about screwing things up, and I did and I do. Thank you for affirming that this feeling is part of the parenting process. Being a parent is so scary and wanting to succeed at being a good one can get very exhausting.

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Nurse. Wife. Mom. Runner. Blogger. Writer. Thrift Shop Junkie. Sauvignon Blanc Snob.
Social Media Manager for @hermoneymedia and @jeanchatzky.

It’s time to let the world swallow your whole s It’s time to let the world swallow your  whole self, bitchachos. And you can hand the haters a glass of milk if they are having trouble. #bringit #momtruth #parentingtruth #iamwhoiam #nojoke #mywholeself
Can we all agree that our pets are the real winner Can we all agree that our pets are the real winners of the quarantine?
For six months, this dog has had four people to cuddle her, give her treats, and take her for walks at the drop of a hat. And she does not care if she interrupts a Zoom call to protect us from the UPS guy.
And, yes, she’s been forced to take more selfies than she’d like but sorry not sorry, #daisytheshihtzu.
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When I was thinking about how I wanted to write ab When I was thinking about how I wanted to write about eczema for a project with @mediqcme, I was reminded of a time a few years ago when I had the world’s worst case of poison ivy.
After a marathon session of gardening, I’d managed to swipe a huge swath of poison ivy oil across my chest, left flank, and left side of my face.
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I couldn’t sleep.
I couldn’t wear my favorite clothing because my lesions were constantly weeping.
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Head to my IG stories to read more about life with #atopicdermatitis and how it affects almost 31 million Americans (10 million of which are kids).
#itchyskinhelp #chroniceczema #eczema #eczemarelief #atopicdermatitistreatment
Why is it that when the temp dips to 50 degrees in Why is it that when the temp dips to 50 degrees in September, I can’t wait to wear sweaters and scarves but, in April, I’m pretty much wearing shorts and tank tops?
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Do you have eczema? Does someone you know and love Do you have eczema? Does someone you know and love have atopic dermatitis, a chronic skin condition that affects more than 31 million Americans? 

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Bring your questions because we will be answering them live!

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On the day my son was born, my father sent us a ca On the day my son was born, my father sent us a card.
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She’s our last.
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She was the last one to go to kindergarten.
She was the one who napped on the go as her brother attended Mommy and Me classes and soccer practices.
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She’s the first one to have had to face a high school career that looks infinitely different than the one her brother (a senior) has enjoyed.
She’s our last, yes.
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She’s the one who is brave enough to lean in to hybrid learning, mask and all, so that we can figure out how best to educate our kids in the coming years.
And, yes, she’s our last one to go to high school but she’s the first one to teach us what we really need to know in the midst of a pandemic.
The lastest really is the bestest.
#lifewithteens
Let’s face it: I’m all in on the bullshit. (Th Let’s face it: I’m all in on the bullshit. (Thanks, @modernmommymadness for being all about the bullshit, too.) #backtoschool #parentingteens #momofteens #motherhoodunplugged #parenting #pandemicparenting #quaranteens #bullshitquotes #allaboutthebullshit #keeperofthefruitloops
School starts tomorrow and I am READY, bitchachos. School starts tomorrow and I am READY, bitchachos. 💪🏻🍷📚#backtoschool #letsdothis #itsgonnatakeavineyard #covidclassroom #covidclassof2021 #quaranteens #momofteens #parentingteens #senioryear🎓 #freshmanyear
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So. I did a thing today. I went to a NASCAR race. So.
I did a thing today.
I went to a NASCAR race.
My first.
During a pandemic.
I know, I can't believe it, either.
But, when you are married to a man who eats, sleeps, and breathes cars, eventually you come to a point in your marriage when you realize that a trip to a major speedway is a marital inevitability.
I managed to avoid it for 21 years but today was the day.
And I have thoughts, in no particular order:
1). I was not prepared for the noise of the engines. And by "noise," I mean the constant reverberation deep into your soul for three. solid. hours. Loud does not begin to cover it.
2). I watched 38 cars whizz by me 301 times. I enjoyed seeing #43 drive by 301 times. Car #32? Not so much (#32 finished 35th. I was fine with that).
3). Every single person in the grandstands complied with the mask restrictions. It's not that hard, people. I watched thousands of people do it today. You can, too.
4). We didn't see a single confederate flag. #FistBumpNASCAR 
5). I couldn't hear a thing my family said for three hours. Actually, almost four hours. This was a major bonus.
6). Earplugs are necessary. Again, see #5.
7). The universe did me a solid and provided me with an overcast day as I did my "wifely duty" and pretended to be interested in the parade of cars that monotonously sped by me every thirty seconds. If it had been 100 degrees (like it apparently was last year), this status would be very different.
8). 301 laps takes a really long time. Like, a really long time.
9). I think NASCAR would have a bigger fan base if they served frozé wine and provided charcuterie. Hear me out on this, NASCAR.
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143 days. I took this picture 143 days ago. I was 143 days.
I took this picture 143 days ago.
I was in Palm Springs and I had taken a tram ride with @mommybacktalk to San Jacinto National Park.
We hiked several miles for this view and I remember feeling relaxed and free of stress.
We were in PS to attend a conference and the whispers of an unknown virus were starting to swell.
“A virus out of China.”
“There’s no vaccine and it’s highly contagious. It could become a pandemic.”
“Wait. Corona is a beer...”
Though we didn’t shake hands with attendees, for the most part, we went about the business of “normal” life.
At a dinner with @monicagsakala and @mommybacktalk, we threw back glasses of wine and talked long into the night over gourmet macaroni and cheese that tasted like actual heaven on a fork.
We talked about politics, current events, and books we loved. No stories about kids, no griping about husbands. Just intelligent, stimulating conversation that I now realize was going to become a lifeline only a few weeks later.
I have no pictures of that dinner.
Just the memory of being with two good friends when life didn’t feel so fractured.
Now those friends are hours away, whether by car or plane, and I think about that night in CA almost every day.
The me from 143 days ago had no idea what was coming.
The me at the top of the mountain in the picture didn’t know that she should have savored the fresh air more, that she should have relished what it was like to be one in a crowd on a tram headed to scenic vistas.
I’ve been quiet here on IG because everything feels too much.
I’ve been trying to keep my family safe and maintain what’s left of my sanity in a world that feels prickly and dangerous.
I’ve been wearing a mask, using hand sanitizer, and obsessively watching the news for a sign that we are all going to be okay.
I’ve been looking for small pockets of joy in the middle of the dumpster fire that life has become.
And, I’m realizing that we are all climbing one hell of a mountain, together.
And, at some point, the view is going to be gorgeous.
We just have to keep climbing.
No matter how much our legs are telling us it's too hard to go on.
#keepclimbing
My old life was exhausting...what parts of your pr My old life was exhausting...what parts of your pre-quarantine life are you not going back to when your community opens up fully? @mommyneedsalife #quarantinelife #quarantineandchill #lifewithteens #parenting #parentingteens #momtruth #momhumor #momlife #motherhoodunplugged❤️
It was clear from the start that my kids got a goo It was clear from the start that my kids got a good one. ❤️ #happyfathersday2020 #pandemicparenting #lifewithteens #parentingteens #dadlifeisthebestlife #fathersday #fathersday2020 #quarantinelife
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“Mom? Can I hang out with my friends tonight? I “Mom? Can I hang out with  my friends tonight? I need a ride.”
Those words seemed to be on auto repeat last summer.
He had a social life.
I had the driver’s license.
He wanted to stay a half hour later.
I gave him all kinds of hell for upending my evening so that he could hang for a bit more with his friends.
But then he bought his car.
And passed his driver’s test not long after.
My car hasn’t found him folding his lanky frame into the passenger seat in almost a year.
I miss seeing him there.
Tonight, I wanted to see my friends for a couple of socially distanced glasses of wine and I didn’t want to drive.
“Hey, I’d like to hang out with my friends tonight. Can you give me a ride?” I said to him.
And of course, he took every opportunity to give me a dose of my own medicine in jest:
“You know, I have plans this evening, too, Mom.”
“I want you outside by 830p because I’ll be waiting.”
“No, you can’t stay til 9, I don’t care what the other moms are doing.”
It was a full circle moment.
After he picked me up and we swung by the local ice cream shop so he could get a treat for him and his sister, we drove home with the windows down on a summer night.
For a few moments, it was like old times.
I’ve missed him, even though we’ve been home together for months in quarantine.
And when Def Leppard blared on the radio and he dialed it up while singing every word, I remembered what it was like to be seventeen. @joe_burke0227 
#lifewithteens #momofteens #quarantinelife #quaranteens #pandemiclife #parentinginquarantine #momtruth #motherhoodunplugged #momofteenslife
We can get new backpacks and lunch boxes, too, rig We can get new backpacks and lunch boxes, too, right? @ellie_schnitt #pandemic2020 #pandemiclife #quarantinelife #quarantineandchill #workfromhomemom #workfromhomelife #momofteens
#blackoutday2020 #blackoutday2020
Moms are gonna drop it like it’s hot, yo. #tgif Moms are gonna drop it like it’s hot, yo. #tgif #thankgoditsfriday #pandemiclife #quarantineandchill #quarantineandchill2020 #momlife #momtruth #lifewithteensandtweens #lifewithteens #letsgetthispartystarted🎉 #quarantinesucks😷
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