When our kids were small, we moved to a new school district in time for my son to start kindergarten. As I was filling out his new student paperwork, I realized, unexpectedly, that our new district had a different age cut off than our previous district. This meant that my daughter, already enrolled in preschool, would have to either be tested to see if she could be admitted to kindergarten or complete another year of preschool.
At the time, I remember the decision feeling enormous. It felt like her whole school career depended on our decision. Would she be the youngest in her class and struggle? Or, would she be the older kid and excel? I would lay awake at night, tossing and turning while worrying about her future.
Little did I know that was just the beginning of my academic worries for my children.
Ultimately, we decided to keep her in preschool after a friend reminded me that sometimes, it’s okay not push your kid. She said, “It’s just preschool. Relax, she’s three. Let her enjoy school.” And you know what? Ten years later, she is just where she should be with her classmates and middle school work.
Sometimes, it really is okay to take a step back and realize that your kid might not need to be pushed academically.
This past summer, as my son approached his sophomore year, he was eligible to take an AP US History class. Though his marks were slightly below what was required, his teachers recommended him for the rigors of a yearlong college level class. When I discussed the curriculum with his guidance counselor, she told me that he’d be challenged, that he’d have a crushing amount of homework and that he’d likely spend hours a night studying for this class.
It felt like I was revisiting that preschool decision from years ago. With college looming, I worried that if I didn’t push my son into the class, his transcript would suffer.
Somehow, parents been programmed to believe that harder is better, that crushing amounts of homework and overwhelming stress is a necessary part of the high school experience.
Because I was uncertain, I consulted my friends with older teens who’d taken AP classes. They all confirmed that AP classes were an enormous source of stress for their teens.
“But, it will look good on his college application,” they would all conclude.
I wasn’t so sure.
Considering that only 50% of students pass the AP examand only 10% pass with a coveted 5, I wondered why my husband and I would push him to the brink for a class where the odds of receiving college credit were stacked against him.
After much discussion both with my son and his teachers, we decided to let him enroll in the AP US History class (or “APUSH”, as the cool kids call it) with the provision that he’d drop the class within the two-week grace period if he felt he couldn’t handle the rigor.
We are more than halfway through his semester and I regret allowing him to take the class.
I wish I’d listened to my gut and encouraged him to enroll in “just” an Honors class.
I’ve watched as my fifteen-year-old son has stayed up at least four school nights a week until well past 11p, trying to keep up with the course load.
I’ve watched him spend hours on a weekend cramming for a test filled with terms and concepts that I can barely grasp in the rich detail he’s expected to recall.
I’ve watched as he’s sighed when he has to text friends to say he can’t participate in social events because the weight of his class has forced him to choose studies over the business of being a normal teen.
And, I’ve watched as he’s broken under the pressure some nights, tears in his eyes, exhaustion clouding his emotions and I’ve felt helpless.
I feel guilty for not protecting him from this level of rigor this early on.
He’s only fifteen and this class is breaking him.
And this is on top of his Honors course load, a part in the school play and trying to keep up with Boy Scouts, an activity he loves.
If I had it to do over again, I’d have listened to the voice in my head that kept whispering, “He’s a smart kid, he gets good grades, and lots of other kids take an Honors course load.”
I wish I had listened to the nagging feeling that this AP class won’t count much towards the degree he wants to ultimately pursue in college.
I wish he didn’t have to measure up to some society standard we’ve all agreed on for our teens.
If you are a parent, worried that your smart kid isn’t measuring up, take a deep breath and don’t let another parent make you feel inadequate for making a choice you know is right for your kid.
If you are a mom who is listening to the voice of self-doubt because your friends are telling you that your daughter won’t succeed if she’s not juggling three AP classes, I’m here to tell you to relax and let your kid enjoy high school.
Only you know what’s right for your kid and only you know what your kid can handle.
It’s okay if your kid doesn’t take AP classes. It’s not the end of the world if your kid decides that they aren’t ready for the demanding schedule that comes with taking college classes years before their brains are ready.
And, parents, let’s not forget: most of our generation didn’t have AP classes available to the extent that our kids do and we turned out just fine.
We are successful, well-adjusted adults with decent paying jobs and careers.
And, frankly, if you can remember what your grade in high school biology is today, more power to you.
Because my grades and my transcript stopped being relevant in my life the day I graduated from college. A college that I found challenging and that was a competitive institute of higher learning. A college I was accepted to despite not having taken a single AP class.
As my son continues towards graduation, my husband and I will weigh his emotional wellbeing against his academic potential before we allow him to take another AP class.
Because the sight of him at the stroke of midnight on a school night, exhausted with tears in his eyes, as he lashes out in frustration is not how I want to remember his high school years.
And I know he doesn’t want that, either.
I just read anther blog post on advance classes and I am curious how other countries handles theirs.
Coffee is on
I’m a Canadian(and former high school teacher), that now lives in the U.S. My daughter just started high school and I think it’s insane here. It’s hyper competitive. My daughter had to read two books over the summer before starting her Honors Lit class. I am longing to be back in Canada where there is more sanity when it comes to school. We don’t have SAT’s, ACT’s …just general and advanced classes. I find it so ridiculously complicated here.
Thank you! I just convinced my son, who’ll be a sophomore next Fall, that APUSH (cringe) may be too much. Your “crushing amount of homework” line got his attention! Thanks for blazing the trail for us.
Oh I wish I had read this weeks ago…my middle schooler is going to be in an ap math class next year….I keep thinking “what have I done?!”.
Jenn, How is your child doing in AP Math?
My daughter is a 7th grade student and out of 6 classes she is taking only one AP class, Spanish. Middle school is hard enough with a new school, different kids, the hormones going crazy and the homework. I can’t imagine being a tween in this day and age. Let our kids enjoy their middle school time without the stress of hours and hours and hours of homework.
your student is not taking AP classes in 7th grade. perhaps you meant “honors”? APIs not offered to middle school students.
As a junior my dd no longer has the honor class option. That’s only for Freshman & Sophmores with a free exceptions in our district. So it’s either AP or regular. She was in regular science for one day & said I can’t do this. The kids have no respect & are all talking. Back to AP she went. I am very worried about the work load, we will back off senior year of this year is grueling.
That’s sounds like a classroom management issue on the teachers part. But, when she gets in college or in a career, she’ll have class’s or co workers with this same distraction. When should learn to deal with this type of issue?
As someone in education who teaches both levels of classes, I can tell you that it’s probably not a classroom management issue. It’s more an issue of expectations and cultural differences between families. I have told other people that my high school, which is rated pretty highly by US News & World Report and our State ranking system, is almost like two entirely separate schools. Students often share electives, but there’s very little mobility between different levels of core classes. Our district is trying to shove pretty much every kid that’s not comfortable in a regular class into an AP class. There’s practically no honors classes offered at all. So in some cases, I have a student with a 65 IQ sitting in a classroom with a student with 130 IQ. You can’t teach the two with the same rigor, and if there are 40 students in the class, it makes for a little difficult time for differentiation. Many of us have been arguing for them to reintroduce middle-level courses, but the district is not really inclined to do so. Several of my peers have openly stated but they would not be able to handle the kinds of things that I handle on a day-to-day basis, in some of these teach a load of nothing but AP courses oh, well I have a load of nothing but regular courses and credit recovery. So, wall classroom management can be an issue, it makes me cringe when that is the first thing that pops to somebody’s mind when someone mentions the differences in behavior in an AP and a regular course.
I was so excited for my son to take higher classes in middle school that counted for high school credits but I didn’t consider how it would affect his GPA.
He pulled a C in Spanish II Honors & Algebra I in his 2nd Semester in 8th grade as the curriculum got harder and now he’s going to have to retake them in the summer going into his Jr year so his GPA rises.
Be careful… The high school curriculum is taught at a much faster pace. When my son started his Freshman year of High school he stared into Spanish III Honors & all other classes were Honors too. Combine that with sports and he had a very difficult year.
My final thought is to talk with your children and make sure they aren’t feeling overwhelmed. If so, speak to your school counselor and shift them out.
Some say it looks bad but really colleges look at your unweighted GPA.
Counterpoint – push your kids to work hard? As someone who was, I am grateful for it because life is full of hard work. Start them early – anything less is not instilling a proper work ethic. At that age I didn’t know what was best for me long term so I relied on my parents and older siblings for that guidance. If given he choice I would have of course taken the path of least resistance. It’s too competitive out there to pass on opportunities to show you’re at the top of your game. This mentality among parents is what has kids end up in mediocre schools and in mediocre jobs ultimately (or without the work ethic to succeed if they get a job that is stressful and with long hours). Push. Your. Kids. They will thank you for it longer term. I’m one of 4 and all of us went to top tier schools and got top tier jobs because of how much our parents instilled in us the value of hard work and pushing yourself even if you’re out of your comfort zone. Why would you be OK with your kid always in the comfort zone?
You’re right! 👏👏
I see both sides of this argument. My oldest daughter pushes herself enough (and causes herself a tremendous amount of stress and anxiety despite her academic abilities) that I will never be the one to tell her she needs to take an AP class to be successful.
On the other hand, my middle daughter would be perfectly happy doing the bare minimum to graduate high school. This child I will push because she is capable of extraordinary things but lacks motivation.
It depends on the child and the situation, but I can commiserate with this mom who is worrying about the social and emotional health of her child while enrolled in such rigorous classes.
There is a different between comfort zone, zone of discomfort/struggle but growth, and then sheer crushing. When you cross from some discomfort and struggle, but growth to crushing, you are literally crushing a young person’s sense of self worth, creating psychological problems that they may take years or a lifetime to overcome, and could be driving them to either completely crash and burn out/ checkout and kill the innate desire to learn or drive the child even to death from the inability to please his/her parents teacher over unrealized excessive pressure and expectations. I’ve watched it happen and it’s heartbreaking. Don’t crush your children in the name of “hard work makes you stronger”.
My daughter earned straight A’s as a freshman and was recommended for several AP classes, APUSH was one. She declared that there was no way she would take that class, I was OK with that. She did however enroll in AP Physics on the recommendation of her Bio teacher, to my dismay. I questioned her about it, said “are you sure” about 1,000 times, and she said yes. It was not that I thought she could not handle it, it was because she puts herself under enough pressure, I thought “why add to it?”. Two months later, after the deadline to make schedule changes, she began to have second thoughts and was losing sleep over it. I did a happy dance and repeated what I said when she chose the class – you will have plenty of time in college to earn college credit, so kick ass in all of your honors classes, explore your musical and drama interests, and leave time for friends. And oh, by the way, you’re almost 16, so you’ll need to get a job to pay for that gas in the car! She was the one who had to make the request to the guidance counselor to drop AP Physics and take the honors level course. She’s 15, I refused to fix it for her. It was hard, she got turned down at first, but then for some reason we do not understand, her counselor made the exception. I don’t see it as “getting out of a class to prevent failure”, I see it as a life lesson of taking responsibility for her choices rather than accepting her fate. Making the decision took as much character as sticking with it would have.
My 14 y.o. son was recommended for Honors classes AND for the two AP courses (US History and a Science class) his high school offers for incoming freshmen. He is extremely bright and a joy to his teachers. They gush about him. He is the kind of kid that will push himself regardless. He is also in Boy Scouts. We talked about the AP courses. He was SO sure his dad and I were going to expect him to enroll in the AP courses. Guess what? We didn’t. We actually discouraged it for his freshman year. He was incredulous. He knew a LOT of kids whose parents EXPECTED them to take it. He ended up taking 2 Honors classes (US History and Geometry). He had really good reasons for not taking all 4 Honors classes and his dad and I supported that decision. With his course load plenty challenging, plus being a freshman, I have no doubt he will be far outside his comfort zone. I don’t need to push him any harder than I know he already pushes himself.
It depends on the state. Middle school here in VA allows 8th graders to take advanced placement classes.
I am all for appropriate classes and not taking it just because you want you kid to take an “AP” class. However, I have a daughter who has just left for college (boohoo) who went into BioEngineering. She took a ton of AP courses. It really was not a choice for her though because of her goal. So keep that part in mind. Competitive school and STEM? AP is not a choice for you its a must. Its literally a checkbox thing. You need the hightest rigor box checked by your guidance counselor in this case. Not everyone is going to go STEM or Computer Science. But just in case!!
Who starts their kid in kindergarten at the age of 3? Sorry, after that you lost credibility and I couldn’t read any further.
Great post.
Nice post!
While the pendulum is swinging slowly back to a more balanced mindset, the reality is that you need to join the rat race to be competitive. As a former college admissions reader at a very highly selective college, I can say that you do need them to have taken the most rigorous course load available to you. It isn’t about the possible college credit, but simply checking the box of best curriculum. Many schools are now limiting, or better yet dropping, AP., which is a great thing. But until all schools do, you will not be competitive to top notch schools without them. If those schools are not something your child is reaching for, then you have the luxury to opt out. Otherwise, buckle up. Our top state colleges are highly competitive and we are currently in the process of choosing a high school for our oldest. The public school is limiting APs in the future but not in time for us. The private schools have taken the lead there and may be a better fit for just this reason. One note, if a school does limit, be mighty sure that it is done with no exceptions or limits are meaningless.
Each parent knows their kid the best and when they back off from being competitive in this society and really put the kids abilities first it makes all the difference. I like the sentence you wrote: I will weigh his emotional wellbeing against his academic potential Enough said. Mental health is a huge problem. I’d rather have a C student that is happy and well rounded than an A student in all AP that can’t feel joy on Christmas break… Any day!