Let’s just get something clear: I hate The Elf on The Shelf.
There, I said it.
And yes, we all know that I love channeling Martha Stewart at the holidays and I’ve been known to bake thousands of Christmas cookies from November to December but that doesn’t mean I have willingly participated in this Elf on The Shelf rouse.
Far from it, in fact.
I mean, just the concept makes me want to kick Mrs. Claus in the taco: a red felt menace with a creeper smile flies back to the North Pole every night to report on good or bad behavior to Santa Claus? Sure. If you believe that one, I have a sleigh with 8 tiny reindeer I can sell you.
It doesn’t matter that the distance from my house to the North Pole is approximately 20 hours (as determined by a quick search of United Airlines’ website, duh). It seems to be of no consequence, either, that the Elf looks no worse for the wear after having to survive US customs every morning upon his return. And, no one seems to give a shit that the Elf’s plastic face is actually just plain scary.
Kids eat this Elf on The Shelf trope right up.
And, over the last 8 Christmases, I’ve fed the Fruit Loops Christmas lies coated with sugar plum fairy deception, thanks to the Elf on The Shelf. Every night, I moved this little asshole all over my house in the name of perpetuating holiday magic. There have been times that I’ve bolted out of bed, heart racing, because I’ve forgotten to move the Elf for the third day in a row. I’d be less afraid if a burglar broke into my house than I have been at facing my kids’ dejected faces when they realize Herbie Ralph the Elf (so christened upon his arrival to our home) hasn’t told Santa about their latest good behavior.
At first, Herbie moved from perch to perch in our house. The fireplace mantle. The kitchen light fixture. On the coffee pot. It all starts out so innocently. But, something happens to parents when faced with having to keep up with lies and deception while hoping Amazon Prime will save our asses by December 24th: we fall under some weird Elf on The Shelf Stockholm Syndrome. It’s like we can’t help ourselves from concocting over the top scenarios for the Elf on The Shelf.
Why put Herbie on the counter when he could be fishing for Goldfish instead?
I mean, let’s face it, bitchachos: parents have to have a little fun, too, right?
But, what’s an exhausted parent to do when it’s 11:24p and your Elf on The Shelf is smirking at you from the pantry from the fourth day in a row?
It’s hard to be creative when you can’t see straight after a marathon session of drinking candy cane martinis and wrapping presents, amiright?
So, I’ve done you all a solid and have compiled 11 ideas for your Elf on The Shelf so that you don’t have to think at the end of a long day.
I know, I know.
I’m a giver.
Merry Christmas, bitchachos.
Admittedly, this one was from my early days, when I was a rookie Elf On The Shelf conspirator. But, when you are scrambling at midnight to find a place for the Elf, this position will save your ass in a pinch.
An Elf With Propaganda Is No Joke
Sometimes, you have to remind the kids that they need to believe, dammit. You can achieve this by using a Christmas ornament, spelling b-e-l-i-e-v-e with M&Ms or writing it on a napkin with a Sharpie. If you write it, they will believe. Trust.
An Elf Can Save The World You Know
One year, Fruit Loop #1 was saving can tabs for a class project and a friend of mine had a huge bag to donate to the cause. So, I let Herbie get the credit. But don’t tell my friend, m’kay?
An Elf Can Get A Sweet Tooth, Who Knew?
We’ve all been there: Christmas stress causes us to stuff our faces with holiday treats. Herbie was feeling the stress, too: he was found eating his feelings under our Christmas tree. #SolidarityHerbie
An Elf With An Umbrella. In The Bathroom. Duh.
In life, a little rain shall fall, right? Even the cheeriest holiday parades have been dampened by rain and the Elf with an umbrella will have your kids singing in the rain.
An Elf Battles Star Wars And Loses. Probably.
The Elf has been in worse situations, I promise. But, not by much.
An Elf And His Banana Minions
This little rouse is easy peasy: bananas and a Sharpie (or pen) transform bananas into everyone’s favorite minions. And, it will save you from going bananas before your in-laws come for holiday dinner.
Elf On The Shelf Sick Day
Listen, everyone needs a sELF Care Day, right? A word of caution: if you concoct this scenario, make sure it’s out of reach of family pets. No one needs their holidays ruined by a dog that accidentally ingested Benadryl. You’re welcome.
Holiday Icons Show The Elf Who’s Boss.
Rudolph is the OG Christmas character and I think we can all agree that he’s pretty pissed that the Elf On The Shelf has toppled him from his perch. So, it really comes as no surprise that Rudolph wanted to remind Herbie just who’s boss.
The Elf Does Snow Angels
In my early years, Herbie made “snow angels” with flour. Rookie mistake. Flour is a MESS and it takes forever to clean up. Not to mention the Elf’s red fabric becomes impossible to dust off. So, learn from me: USE COCONUT INSTEAD. You’re welcome.
Elf On The Shelf In The Refrigerator
Okay, so this one is easy but come on: “M-m-merry C-C-Christmas” is genius. And, total bonus: if the Elf is in the fridge, his creepy AF smile isn’t looking at you all day. #WinningAtElfOnTheShelf
Listen, I know what you are thinking: she’s an Overachieving Elf On The Shelf Mom. And that’s fine, we can agree to disagree.
I simply took the opportunity to find a little bit of humor during the crazy holiday season and the most ridiculous marketing ploy ever. (Slow clap to the EOTS creators: I bet you are laughing all the way to your piles of money on your private island.)
When your kids wake up and tell you that your Elf on The Shelf finally visited Santa, you can give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done.
And, if you sneak an extra Christmas cookie when they aren’t looking, I won’t judge. But The Elf on The Shelf will.
He’s a judgy little fucker.