When you die, what will people say about you? What will the people around you choose to fit into a teeny tiny column in the paper in the midst of their angst over your untimely demise? Will your eulogy be the standard issue “He was born, he was an engineer, he was a Knight of Columbus, he died” type or will it be a little more fun? Will it at least include cause of death? Show of hands: who’s with me on this one? Wouldn’t obits be a lot more interesting if you knew how the decedent croaked?
Lucky for me and even luckier for you, I’ve chosen to take the bull by the horns and write mine ahead of time. That’s right. I’m writing my eulogy for the following reasons:
1). To save my dear family the angst of having to put together a kick ass tribute at a moment’s notice.
2). So it gets done RIGHT.
So, as you can see, I have very valid reasons for taking on this endeavor.
What my Kick Ass Eulogy will NOT include:
1). A list of my achievements, accomplishments, accolades and any other A word that people use to measure their worth in obituaries.
2). Any phrases such as “went to the light” or “found her way to the Lord’s comfort” or any of that cheesy crap. Nor will “had a passion for”, “adored by all” or “brave battle” be used. I mean, honestly….EVERYONE uses those phrases. And I’m so not EVERYONE.
So, now that I’ve set the ground rules, I give you: MY KICK ASS EULOGY:
Christine Burke, 43, decided to grace the Good Lord with her presence on a hot AF day in summer. She did not go quietly and she posted on Facebook until the bitter end.She is survived by her devoted Hubby, her two hilarious and blog inspiring Fruit Loops, her very blog forgiving family, her legions of fans and an Antiguan donkey named Ranger that she and her Hubby adopted in 2012.
She had closets that would make her friends weep and found comfort in order. Her favorite phrase was “Pattern is reassuring”. A lifelong fan of “Friends”, she believed that the character Monica would TOTALLY be her bestie (no disrespect to Christine’s real world BFF).
Christine honestly didn’t understand the terms “The Left” and “The Right”. She was no dullard and could clearly tell you the differences between a Democrat and a Republican but the only left and right she knew were directions. Sad, but true. And she was fuzzy on who is the elephant and who is the donkey.
She had been to all 48 contiguous states. By car. Usually riding the middle seat, squashed between her two brothers as they were growing up. She often said you haven’t lived until you’ve been sitting knees to chest from San Francisco to LA next to two gargantuan preteen boys with very hairy legs.
She found black jellybeans repulsive and gagged when served anything chocolate raspberry. She didn’t like cake or any form therein. She did, however, frequently and happily eat her body weight in ice cream and she was unapologetic in her loathing of cake. She could also drink an entire bottle of Sauvignon Blanc the night before running a 16 mile training run and be no worse for the wear.
Christine did not like the Twilight books and declared herself Team “Please Don’t Write Vampires In My Books.” She was also fluent in backwards writing. Dna ehs dluoc lyisae epyt sdarwkcab, oot. She was incredibly proud of this skill.
She ran 7marathons,7 triathlons, 15 half marathons and countless 5Ks. Yes, we, her family, thought she was crazy. Yes, she ran all 26.2 miles. 7 separate times.
She was ill prepared for what motherhood and managing her Fruit Loop Group would bring to her life. As in: literally caught with her pants down and bitch slapped into reality when her first child arrived. Her blog celebrated and tried to convey that motherhood is ridiculous, crazy, wonderful, heartbreaking, and just plain loud. Her world was NOT the perfect Pottery Barn version that the magazines try to sell you while you are pregnant. Frankly, she had more of a Wal Mart on the day after Thanksgiving thing going on around her house…except in her closets. Her closets were in ORDER, people.
Her kids made her laugh every single day and some days, she literally felt like she was on Candid Camera. Her husband was her partner in crime, fellow lover of the show Castle and the man who made her a better woman every day. As they were the sole source of her material, they will need great quantities of therapy.
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to the Fruit Loop College Fund or to Kellogg’s for any lawsuits that may ensue over copyright infringement.
So, there you have it, my KICK ASS eulogy. To my fans, I say read it and weep. To my family, I say you are welcome.