Keeper of The Fruit Loops

The 8 Moms You’ll Meet At The Pool This Summer

July 18, 2016
Woman on raft in red bikini in pool

Summer is here which means we are all knee deep in camps, summer reading lists and generalized boredom by about ten in the morning. On the first day of summer vacation, I always have the best of intentions. Really, I do.

We will go to the beach!

We will see all the museums!

We will go to stimulating concerts in the park and we will enhance our history knowledge by visiting all of the statues in our cute little town and we will read all of the descriptions!

No TV!  No electronics!  We will craft and we will create!

We will exercise and we will all take nightly constitutionals around the neighborhood and visit with our friends face to face. It’s going to be the Best Summer EVUR.

Annnnnnnnd, then we get to Days 2, 3, and 4 of summer vacation where it becomes blatantly apparent that the Best Summer EVUR is about to be slightly less amazing.

On the days when I can actually see their brains melting from too much TV, we head to the one place where I can multitask (read: dive into my summer book selection) in peace and relative quiet:  the neighborhood pool.

Since the dawn of time, community pools have been saving moms like me from the horrors of summer boredom. At pools far and wide, children can be found frolicking while moms enjoy a much needed few minutes to sit and soak up the sun.

In fact, I’ve spent the last twelve summers sitting poolside as the Fruit Loops yell “Watch me!” and demand overpriced ice creams. Over the years, I’ve had the opportunity to observe the types of moms sitting next to me wearing identical floppy hats and giant sunglasses.

The 8 Moms You’ll Meet At The Pool

The Bikini Mom

Admittedly, we all kind of hate this mom. A lot. She’s easily identifiable: perky boobs, washboard abs and her bikini harkens back to a time when we were sixteen and rubbing baby oil all over ourselves for that crispy tanned look. She chases after her toddlers without fear of her thighs jiggling and she practically never has to adjust her bikini bottom. The only cottage cheese she has is in her pool bag, tucked right next to her celery sticks.

The Bookworm Mom

Bookworm Mom can be found in a lawn chair with her face down in a book. She is completely and utterly engrossed in this summer’s hottest read and she has one at the ready in her pool bag lest she finish her current book before her cherubs are done swimming. She hands snacks out without even looking up and the only time she pulls her eyes away from her page turner is if she hears blood curdling screaming. Oh, and if she’s reading on a Kindle, you better believe it’s 0 Shades of Grey.

The Mom Who Lets Her Kids Buy Stuff At The Snack Stand

We all know this mom:  the one who takes her brood up to the snack stand and buys a smorgasbord of expensive candies, ice creams and treats. Her kids come dancing back to their towels with their trophies and gleefully consume their ice creams as our kids sadly watch every triumphant lick. Great, now I have to buy $5 ice creams. Thanks for that, lady.

The Adult Swim Mom

She’s the mom training for a triathlon and wants everyone to know it. She dons a tight Speedo, goggles and a swim cap as she swims lap after lap with expert precision. For the entire ten minutes of Adult Swim.

The Safety First Mom

Safety is no accident, people, and Safety First Mom takes pool safety as seriously as heart attack. Her kids are covered in long sleeve swim suits, layers of sunscreen and floatation devices that would rival the US Coast Guard’s.  Her kids never run by the pool and they only dive where allowed. When Safety First Mom is around, the lifeguards relax.

The “In The Pool” Mom

This mom makes the rest of us look bad. She plays water games, is always happy to accompany her kids down the slide and she exuberantly splashes with her kids.  She’s not happy unless her kids are having a blast in the water. The Bookworm Mom is her nemesis.

The Drop Off Mom

This mom is rarely seen in person because she doesn’t actually *go* to the pool.  Rather, she slows her minvan to a crawl, slides the side door open and dumps her kids at the curb while yelling, “Be back in two hours!” Her kids are left unattended at the pool and are usually found trailing behind the Mom Who Lets Her Kids Buy Stuff At The Snack Stand.

The “I’m In It To Win It” Mom

If ever there was a mom to earn a medal, it’s the “In It To Win It” Mom. She arrives precisely one minute after the pool opens and leaves precisely two minutes after the pool closes. She has a pop up tent. She brings a portable grill. She would even bring tiki torches and a movie projector if the lifeguards would let her stay after dark. She has a deep tan, her kids have been pruney since June and her husband comes to the pool if he wants a home cooked meal. We all want to hang out at her beach towel because she cooks a really mean hot dog.

Truth be told, I am The Bookworm mom, through and through. As a writer, that’s a given. I secretly want to be The Bikini Mom and I’m guilty of being the Adult Swim Mom.  And, if the Snack Stand Mom wants to get me a cold slushy while she’s over there, I’m not going to turn that down…..




3 Responses

  1. I’ve yet to procreate, but I have a strong inkling I would be the In The Pool Mom. Not for the sake of the children having a blast, mind you; more like why the $%@& should THEY have all the fun? Clear a path, kids, mama needs to work on her cannonball.

  2. I think you may have forgotten bully mom. Sorry I read that other post of yours and unfortunately incredibly identified with it. If you have a how to deal with bully moms segment, I would love to hear your thoughts and most likely need any tips you may have seeing as though I see my children suffering from not having friends at school because of me.

  3. Love this! I was a product of the ‘dump your kids off (at the river)’ parenting style of the 70&80’s. I of course loved it (being an independent ‘intj’ personality type); my brother (isfj) however always felt like he had a hard life because of this style of parenting/life. Same parents, two different views of childhood. We are completely different even with our own children. My bro and his wife (esfj) try to tell me how to parent (I have had 6 kids ranging from 30 3 years old) and he has a 5 and 7 year old. Hahhahaha!

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