Keeper of The Fruit Loops

Who Is The Keeper Of The Fruit Loops?

March 12, 2016

Since it’s looking like after three years, over 100 posts, close to 50 freelance articles AND three essays published in anthologies that this blogging thing might be a regular gig,  I feel compelled to introduce myself to those of you reading (all 400 of you who subscribe…if you are reading and you haven’t subscribed, stop what you are doing RIGHT now, and enter your email in the “SUBSCRIBE” box.  Because who doesn’t want Fruit Loops in their inbox?? I’ll wait).  Though most of you already know me pretty well from Facebook (hi, Mom!), I’ve come up with a list of Ten Little Known Facts about myself that will help you understand why I am FULLY qualified for the job of Keeper of The Fruit Loops.

Ten Little Known Facts About The Keeper Of The Fruit Loops

1).  I have closets that would make OCD patients weep.  I find comfort in order and I really enjoy me some organization.  Monica from Friends and I would TOTALLY be besties (no disrespect to my real world BFF).

2).  I honestly don’t understand the terms “The Left” and “The Right”.  Now, I’m no dullard and can clearly tell you the differences between a Democrat and a Republican but the only left and right I know are directions.  Sad, but true.  And I’m fuzzy on which side owns the elephant and who claims the donkey (though, I DO know who owns the donkey I mention in #9).

3).  I have been to all forty eight contiguous states.  By car.  Usually riding the middle seat, squashed between my two brothers as we were growing up.  You haven’t lived until you’ve been sitting knees to chest from San Francisco to LA next to two gargantuan preteen boys with very hairy legs.

4).  I find black jelly beans repulsive.  Ditto for anything chocolate raspberry.  And I had an epic run in with a chocolate fountain once so I tend to avoid those, too.

5).  I did not like the Twilight books.  I am Team “Please Don’t Write Vampires In My Books”.  The odds are also NOT in your favor that I’ll ever enjoy a conversation about The Hunger Games with you.  But, if you like Elin Hildebrand, we be besties real quick like (I even met her once….SQUEEEEEEE!).

6).  I can write fluently backwards.  No joke.  Dna I nac lyisae epyt sdarwkcab, oot.  I am quite proud of this skill.

7). I have run six marathons, four sprint triathlons, one OLYMPIC triathlon, thirteen half marathons and countless 5Ks.  Yes, I know you think that’s crazy.  Yes, I ran all 26.2 miles.  Six times.  SIX. TIMES, bitchachos.

8).  My Fruit Loops make me laugh every single day and some days, I literally feel like I’m on candid camera.  I feel sorry for them that they will probably need great quantities of therapy as a result of this blog.  They are the sole source of my material.  Sorry, Loops..

9).  My hubby and I adopted a donkey named Ranger on a recent trip to a donkey sanctuary in Antigua.  So, when I go there, I get to say, “See that donkey over there?  I own his ass…”.

I own Ranger’s ass. See what I did there?

10). I don’t like cake or any form therein.  I realize that by divulging this, many of you will leave this site forever.  But, in the interest of full disclosure:  I can, and have, eaten my body weight in ice cream.  I hope this redeems me in your eyes.

There.  Now you know me a little better.

I was ill prepared for what motherhood and managing my Fruit Loop Group would bring to my life.  As in: literally caught with my pants down and bitch slapped into reality when Fruit Loop #1 arrived.  That’s what this blog celebrates and tries to convey: that motherhood is ridiculous, crazy, wonderful, heartbreaking, and just plain loud.  What goes on in my world (and I suspect yours, too…) is NOT the perfect Pottery Barn version that the magazines sell you while you are pregnant.  Frankly, to be honest, we have more of a Wal Mart on the day after Thanksgiving thing going on here…except in my closets.  My closets are in ORDER, people.

So, I hope you will join me on this blog journey:  read my stories, laugh with me about my Fruit Loops and maybe see a little of your world in mine.  Don’t be afraid to call yourself a Fruit Loop….it makes people smile and life is much more fun.  And, when you can pay a donkey’s way in life, more’s the better….



10 Responses

    1. This one sound like another winner, Mary! Yo9#&3u;ve made me nervous about the computer thing! LOL! Better print myself out some favs today. 😉 Hope you have a wonderful week. blessings ~ tanna

  1. Bitchachos. My new favorite word. Never fear, I will give credit where credit is due. Thanks for the insight and the laughs!

  2. I only recently started paying attention to your blog (please don’t hate me), but I really like it. I can’t relate since I don’t have fruit loops of my own, but one day I hope to be a keeper too. For now, I will learn the ways of the keeper as a humble grasshopper.

  3. as a 30 year (lifer) keeper of the fruit loops I am proud to say I have lived at least once everything you write about but it cracks me up just the same. I have 3 loops aged 30 19 &18. It does get easier as they get older, well not really it just gets weirder but I think once the oldest has done it and you have lost your mind about it when it comes up again you just shrug it off,,,or is it that Im just tired? Im still not sure which it is. My grandmother used to tell me when the oldest was little “take it easy. If there is no broken bones its ok. and if there is a broken bone then you all learned not do to that again”…such wisdom….thanks for the giggles…most go clean my computer screen again…coffee spots make for hard reading…

  4. Another entertaining post. Sad that I first found your blog a few months ago but so glad I did. Your style, humor and bluntness are right up my alley. I always look forward to reading your stuff.

  5. As a fairly recent follower, Namaste, I love the blog. You make me feel normal and that it’s okay that my fruit loops are not all these perfect, little cardboard cutouts. Thank whatever almighty being (or not) that makes you happy. And, I like enough black jelly beans for both of us.

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