I have a secret.
You might be shocked and appalled.
You might stop following my blog or leave my Facebook page as a result of what I’m about to divulge.
I. AM. A. LIAR.
Yep. You read this correctly.
I lie all day long and during the holiday season, it’s at it’s worst.
I lie about what’s on my computer screen when I’m on TMZ (Oh, don’t lie. I know you go on there, too).
I lie about why the Oreos are suddenly gone. I lie about the fact that I love Play Doh. And, I lie about not liking Debbie Gibson’s music (If I’m going to confess, I may as well put it all out there….).
Let me clarify: I am a mother and I have small children who still believe in Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, Leprechauns, The Tooth Fairy, and all other various and sundried mythical creatures that, upon joining the mommy ranks, I am responsible for perpetuating (I’m looking at you, Mr. Elf on the Goddamned Shelf)…. I am a Mom and I am required by law to lie.
It started off innocently enough. The first Christmas, the newborn isn’t the wiser and your photos of the Christmas tree are mostly so you can prove to them that you didn’t suck from the very beginning.
The next two Christmases, the toddler is still slightly aware but you can mostly get away with shopping for the latest and greatest talking Elmo product right under their noses in the local Costco.
You can hide stuff in plain sight and just redirect their prying eyes. You don’t have to lie. Much.
And then, they turn three.
Magical “I will believe every single lie that comes out of your mouth because you are Mommy and what you say is true” three.
That’s when the lying kicks into high gear.
You spend your holiday season crafting lies about how Santa comes into the house, how the reindeer don’t slide off the roof, and about how “He’s always watching!” Santa becomes a better disciplinarian than I am in this house for thirty beautiful days of November and December. The mere mention of Santa and his ability to taketh Christmas awayth sends my Fruit Loops into a panic from which they almost don’t recover.
Lies. All lies.
I have spent the better part of 10 years lying to my oldest Fruit Loop about everything from rabbits in the yard being the Easter Bunny’s helpers to the fact that Herbie our Goddamned Elf goes back to the North Pole nightly.
I even lied through my teeth on a Polar Express Train Ride and blatantly told him that yes, in fact, we DID make it all the way to the North Pole.
No snow, no reindeer and the hot chocolate on the ride sucked in a way that it should be clear it was NOT an approved Santa brand but nonetheless I lied. But he bought it so that’s on him.
Frankly, I am surprised that my Fruit Loops haven’t called me out on the Easter Bunny.
“Hey kids, guess what?! A GIANT rodent sneaks into our house the night before our Savior rises from the dead and leaves you chocolate eggs, DVDs and marshmallows shaped like no bird I’ve ever seen in nature.”
But yet, every year, I remind them that the “Easter Bunny is watching!” and then somehow manage to convince them that a skulking rodent with a basket of candy is completely normal.
I have been reduced to lying about rodents.
And small men who wear green who leave money behind.
And a fairy who stumbles around in the dark collecting teeth.
Can you say grossest. fetish. EVER?
Do NOT get me started on the Elf on The Goddamned Shelf.
The amount of work that goes into that scenario makes balancing the national budget look easy.
Do you KNOW how many pins I’ve pinned to my Pinterest Christmas board with Elf escapades? Do you KNOW how many pickles Herbie the Goddamned Elf has gotten himself into around here?
I’m going to miss the lying.
The oldest Fruit Loop turns 12 this February and I know that this year might be the last time I get to lie to him.
This year might be the last time that I confidently tell him that Herbie is so totally telling Santa about the way he just rolled his eyes at me.
2014 might be the last year that I get to sneak something AMAZING into the bottom of his stocking and watch his blissful glee that Santa brought the exact right thing to him.
And, this might be the last year I don’t get some serious props from him for throwing the best fricking holiday season EVER around here.
Honestly, as much as I will miss the lying, I’m looking forward to saying “Santa, Schmanta. This gal right here spent 4 hours online looking for that sucker”.
I worry that when the time comes, the 11 YO will look at me with hurt and shock and ask me why I did this to him all these years. I worry that I won’t have the words to explain gently that part of the magic of Christmas is being blissfully unaware that your parents buy out half of Toys R US once a year.
I worry that he will be angry when he finds out that his father and I secretly laugh our asses off when we are moving Herbie the Goddamed Elf around the house at night. And, oh, do I have some good places planned this year, BTW (You complete me, Pinterest)…..
On the day he finds out that I’m a big fat liar, I know that I will hold him, allow him to be sad and will help him understand that he’s in on the secret and that it will be his job to help lie to his sister until her time comes. I will celebrate a good run of fantastical, outrageous lies and will chuckle with him during all of the “So, that time we found the Polar Express bell under the tree….that was YOU??” conversations.
Mostly, though, I just hope that I’ve raised another liar and that I get to see the day when he realizes that he has to lie about a rodent traipsing through his home. I hope that he carries the magic of the holidays we’ve created here and that he knows the truth: that I loved the lying. Every last little lying bit.
Those pictures are fantastic. Glad to be part of the Liar’s Club with you 🙂
Why, thank you, Mary…I have lots of adventures planned for Herbie The Goddamned Elf….I think that when you get to a place that you sent an alert on your phone for 11p that says “Move the Friggin’ Elf”, the lying has gotten out of hand….thanks for stopping by!
Glad to know I’m not the only one who has to have an alert to move the naughty elf! LIARS UNITE!!
Lol! That’s right….we lying mamas have to stick together!!
I HATE lying to my kids about Santa. I can’t wait until they all figure it out. Does that make me horrible?? Or maybe just lazy??
No, not horrible…HONEST. That’s a good thing….and it’s not wrong to want the props for all the damned money that gets spent on the 11 week Christmas season, LOL! Thanks for stopping by!
Hey Christine, I have an awesome letter that someone gave me to read to Joey when it was time to tell him about Santa. After 2 years of barely getting him to still kind of believe us, last year was the year we had to finally lay it all out there for him. And even though it was very sad, I actually felt a relief that I didn’t have to pretend anymore. and it was so nice to have him open his presents and say “thank you mom and dad!” My daughter did a great job keeping the secret with us for many years, just as your Joe will do for Ava. Let me know if you want that letter. It is really a great way to explain things to him.
Aw, thanks, Steph! I will definitely use it when the time comes!
I asked my 2 1/2 year old son about Santa the other day. He said ” He’s fake Mommy”. I kinda relieved but I’m sad at the same time. Wr spend their whole childhood telling them not to be liars but we are the biggest liars of all.
Aw, that seems so early for him to realize….what a smart boy, LOL! Thanks for reading!
Guilty as charged! I have been lying to them from the get-go…and they love every little bit of it! 😉
I suspect you’ve enjoyed the lying, too, Polly, LOL! Thanks for reading!
When my daughter was three, she suspiciously stared at a big man in a red suit that I took her to see. She did not go anywhere near his lap… After staring him down she said to me, “Mama, that Santa, you let him in the house?!” Lol… She’s nine now and has loved him since she caught on that Christmas that the creeper leaves fun toys behind… But I’ve always loved that perspective she had 🙂
LOL, Justina….these kids are too damned smart! Thanks for stopping by 🙂
So I’m trying to just fib a little? Not really PUSHING the whole Santa thing, but not outright telling them he’s not real so I don’t ruin some other little kid’s Christmas when my kids tell them the truth. My oldest is five so we haven’t even hit the oversized rodent years. Can’t wait. 🙂
We used to lie and now we laugh at them for believing us and how easily fooled they were at age three.
We are terrible parents, but we have an account for their psychiatric needs later in life, so there is that.
Thank goodness we never started the Elf on the Shelf around here. I have enough trouble just getting the kids out of bed on time for the bus most mornings. My girls kind of know that Santa is a lie but are afraid to admit it for fear that if he is real and they admit they don’t believe they won’t receive… Oh the tooth fairy at our house has actually left a glitter covered note telling my daughter that her room was such an outrageous mess that she was afraid that she’d break a wing in there – but she’d be back the next night to try again if her room was clean. It totally worked too. Lying Mothers Unite!
My son is 10 and is on to me. I love the holidays and have pulled of wonderful experiences and memories by lying. His sister is 9 and still believes. I have told them that if they believe the magic of Christmas is real. If you don’t believe , socks and under ware it is. Last year my daughter saw Santa’s wrapping paper in with ours. I lied my way out a telling her grown ups need to help. There is just not enough time to get everything done. Santa leaves gifts and wrap! Oh what a tangled Web I’ve weaved! I want them to have the magic but do feel like I’m in too deep. How do I let them down easy ? My husband says we tell them the truth. I think that would crush them and it would all be over for them and me. They are growing up so fast.
In our house Santa leaves his stuff unwrapped. U can always say this year Santa has so many more children in the world and he can’t wrap everything and decided to start leaving his stuff unwrapped. They will believe since last year u had to help wrap for santa……
But rabbits aren’t even rodents…you liar! 😉
I took the easy path, I told my oldest that Santa always brings only one gift, and it isn’t wrapped, because he doesn’t have the for that! It was always the one gift he really wanted too! But then my daughter was born, 11 years later, and as much as I wanted to do the whole thing, Santa gets it all, I couldn’t, as my son reminded me how much he believed in Santa, just because I told him the way I did…. I only did that because I was in my early 20’s, single mom, and felt lying was wrong, I was not able to see the joy that I could get out of it! But I did lie about every other creepy creature that brings you anything! Oh and I told him Santa only brings you that one gift until your 10… Really raw deal….
see, this is why i tell the kids that Santa may BRING the toys, but i make damn sure they know that MOMMY bought them, because i work damn hard to give my kids the christmas (and other holidays) they do get, and yea, one year everything they got came from the dollar store, but at least they don’t think santa loves the kids down the block more because they got razor scooters and a playstation. they know that things cost money and some people have more money than others, and they are grateful for what they do get. maybe they are a little young to have to learn that lesson, but i’d rather that then give them unrealistic sense of entitlement and expectation based on a mythical creature.
I plan on buying…I mean employing a santa spy this year. Let the lying escalate.
I was always told that you have to believe to receive. I am 40, and I still believe in Santa Claus!
We had to explain to our 13 year old that Santa was not real. (He caught me moving the Elf on the shelf.) He took it much harder than I thought he would. Then he started asking about the tooth fairy, the switch witch, and the easter bunny…..yes mom and dad is behind all of them, and yes we lied. It was a sad day!
I.am.sooo.com pleased.Elf.on the Shelf hasn’t reall taken.off in Australia. In my house if you don’t believe you don’t receive. My 19yr old is very happy to help create the magic for her younger siblings. Although I have informed her that her santa sack will be very light on this year. The good thing is that she will remind me about the tooth fairy and help.distract her sister so I can ‘deliver’ the money. She is way better at convincing her sister 8 of all the necessary lies.
I was petrified my oldest would hate me. Then the year she admitted to me she knew the truth, she loved it. She was a big help to me and stated how much fun everything was.
It’s all in how you present it.
FYI, my oldest is a 13 year old daughter. I have a 10 year old son, a 5 year old son and a new baby girl will be here in a few weeks. I know my eldest probably know but they have always went along with everything. If they say they don’t believe, well, Santa won’t leave them stuff. Pretty sure my oldest has this deep understanding NOT to ruin it for the younger kids. Although, I have never came out and just said they aren’t real. Now the tooth fairy has always been a forgotten situation in our home cause my kids will hoards their teeth and put them under their pillow at one time without my knowledge. In our house, we have to call and let the tooth fairy know because they started holding onto teeth at a young age. Thank goodness that first time I had a tooth fairy (with a disguised voice) on the other line that answered and went along with it all…..shwooooo. now my oldest just says I spoke with her and she is real and everyone believes it. Santa is great but makes it way more expensive. I know one day it will end tho so i just enjoy it now. I am in the Liar’ s club too for all sorts of lies, even when asked what something means…I will give a literal truth until I am sure one can handle it. Example: daughter when she was age 5 years comes home and asks what sex means (heard kid on bus say the word)….I simply answer not seeming floored, although I was totally, Sex is ur gender….if u r male or female….male means boys and female means girl. Use the word gender honey because it just sounds nicer. Hahaha…blocked that bullet until she was old enough for me to cross that bridge again. Funny cause it seems like the better mommies have more lies and great ones. Hahahaha…but we tell our kids NOT to lie. What they don’t know right now won’t hurt them!!!
I love this! I’m breeding liars too lol. The older two now help me keep the secret for their much younger sister. They both at about 12 rolled their eyes at me when Santa was discussed. I told them part of the magic is perpetuating the secret. I must have done it right, because now they enjoy it as much as I do, probably more, because secrets are fun, right?
The lying club of moms- it is so sad that we teach our kids not to do what moms across America does in hopes our beloved imps behave. But, it ends- when they get old enough to know it is all the magic their moms created to make memories. With adult children like my own, it is still hard that at 40, I need assurance from my 18 and 22 year old that they believe in the magic of Christmas is real because, well, it is to believe- believing is what matters and while I refuse to stop filling those pesky stocking with too many things I purchased, there cannot be a Christmas where their gifts are not hidden until Christmas Eve, even though, neither live with me anymore- the presents will be wrapped in pretty paper and the gift tags will host the name Santa and not my own. My babies are adults and I just long for one more year of them fighting who got more than the other and the dreadful pictures of attitude having to stand next to each other in front of the tree in matching PJs Santa dropped off early on Christmas Eve- treasure being a liar because when the truth comes out- it only becomes harder