Keeper of The Fruit Loops

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I STILL Just Want To Pee Alone

March 26, 2015

Becoming a mother is mind blowing.

Or, at least for ME it was.

There were so many things I did not see coming:  the inability to run quickly into a convenience store for coffee ever again, the number of Pinterest pins I had to acquire to keep up with the uber crafty, overachieving mom types and the size of my boobs postpartum (they were IMPRESSIVE, I tell you).

I was amazed at the exhaustion and the shear amount of stamina it took to get through a day with a two year old.  And I run marathons, people.  Running 26.2 consecutive miles is easy compared to a twelve hour day with a threenager who decides to throw a tantrum over the fact that the peas are green.

My friendships changed, my relationship with my husband evolved and I understood what it meant when my mother said to me “Someday you’ll understand!!!” in a half crazed voice while raising her fist at no one in particular.

I’m telling you, MIND. BLOWING.

And, I often thought I was the only person on the planet who was shocked and appalled to learn that toddlers watch you pee.  And giggle when you wipe your lady parts.

So many times in those early years, I’d watch other moms at the playground and preschool and wonder what on earth I was doing wrong.  How was it that the rest of them seemed to have it all under control while I was keeping things together with some Scotch tape, a little bit of magic and a whole lot of wine?  I struggled every day to find my footing as a mother and wondered if I’d ever be good at it.  Hell, I STILL wonder that and I’m cruising into my twelfth year of this mothering gig (we’ve gone through A LOT of Scotch tape).

I remember several years ago when the Fruit Loops were ages 2 and 4 and I got sick. Really sick.  Like hanging over the toilet and vomiting out my toes sick.  I woke up in the middle of the night, sweaty and dizzy, barely making it to the toilet before I unleashed evil and all it’s wonder into the chamberpot.  For a few hours, I alternated between laying on the tile begging for death and sticking my face in a toilet I hadn’t had the chance to clean in a few weeks.  As the sun rose, my two little cherubs wandered in, wearing their footy pajamas and sporting bed heads, and asked for their breakfast.  The reason they came in to ask me was because their father was getting ready for a day of work he couldn’t cancel and told them to “go ask your mother”.

Breakfast that morning was provided by the four year old and to be honest, I have no idea what they ate.

We spent the day in my bathroom, them with books, toys and Goldfish crackers and me with vomit on my yoga pants wondering how I had gotten myself into this mess.

And, as I’ve come to find out, I’m not the only mother who has days like mine.  I’m not the only one who makes stupid statements like “Don’t put your foot in your sister’s face” and “If you roll your eyes at me one more time, I’m going to make you eat fish for dinner” (I’ve said those actual words…don’t ask).  I am not the only one who has stopped in the middle of her crazy day and realized that her shirt is on backwards and has a stain on the boob.

We are mothers.

We are mothers who work hard every day to do right for our kids.

We are mothers who have earned the right to pee alone.  Or, at the very least, vomit privately.

And that’s why I am so honored to have been included in Jen from People I Want To Punch In The Throat’s newest anthology, “I STILL Just Want To Be Alone”.

The essays in this book are real stories from the front lines of motherhood.  The good, the bad, the UGLY and everything in between.  You won’t find a single essay telling you to “enjoy these special times” or “being a mom is my favorite” because, honestly, ain’t no one would buy that horsepuckey.  Nope.  These essays were written by women who are blowing the lid off the idea that mothering means perfection.   And there are A LOT of stories about poop.  Because mothering and poop go hand and hand, amiright?

So, go buy “I STILL Want To Pee Alone” because I’m in it, naturally.  But also, because you’ve earned that five minutes in the bathroom alone.

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Here’s the AMAZING line up of authors….you won’t be disappointed!!

Jen Mann of People I Want to Punch in the Throat

Bethany Kriger Thies of Bad Parenting Moments

Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying

Alyson Herzig of The Shitastrophy

JD Bailey of Honest Mom

Kathryn Leehane of Foxy Wine Pocket

Suzanne Fleet of Toulouse and Tonic

Nicole Leigh Shaw of Nicole Leigh Shaw, Tyop Aretist

Meredith Spidel of The Mom of the Year

Rebecca Gallagher of Frugalista Blog

Rita Templeton of Fighting off Frumpy

Darcy Perdu of So Then Stories

Christine Burke of Keeper of The Fruit Loops…… SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Amy Flory of Funny Is Family

Robyn Welling of Hollow Tree Ventures

Sarah del Rio of est. 1975

Amanda Mushro of Questionable Choices in Parenting

Jennifer Hicks of Real Life Parenting

Courtney Fitzgerald of Our Small Moments

Lola Lolita of Sammiches and Psych Meds

Victoria Fedden of Wide Lawns and Narrow Minds

Keesha Beckford of Mom’s New Stage

Stacia Ellermeier of Dried-on Milk

Ashley Allen of Big Top Family

Meredith Bland of Pile of Babies

Harmony Hobbs of Modern Mommy Madness

Janel Mills of 649.133: Girls, the Care and Maintenance Of

Kim Forde of The Fordeville Diaries

Stacey Gill of One Funny Motha

Beth Caldwell of The Cult of Perfect Motherhood

Sarah Cottrell of Housewife Plus

Michelle Back of Mommy Back Talk

Tracy Sano of Tracy on the Rocks

Linda Roy of elleroy was here

Michelle Poston Combs of Rubber Shoes In Hell

Susan Lee Maccarelli of Pecked To Death By Chickens

Vicki Lesage of Life, Love, and Sarcasm in Paris

Kris Amels of Why, Mommy?

Mackenzie Cheeseman of Is there cheese in it?

Tracy DeBlois of Orange & Silver

 

 

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