We’ve all had a first date.
Not just a first date with a new prospect but a FIRST first date.
Like, when you were 14. With acne. And braces.
Show of hands: who’s FIRST first date was awkward, sweaty and replete with far too much aftershave and perfume?
Hmm. Everyone’s hands are raised. That’s what I thought.
In my day, dating at fourteen included, but was not limited to, the following:
1). Neither party having gainful employment to pay for said date.
2). Neither party having transportation to said date.
3). Raging hormones.
4). Pimples hidden with tinted Clearasil (we thought we were SO cunning….).
4). Bad hair secondary to AquaNet.
Dating at fourteen was actually quite an embarrassment, really.
To add insult to injury, if you are like me and had your first date in the late 80s or early 90s, your FIRST first date did NOT include an iPhone screen to hide behind if things got awkward. Nope. You had to sweat your way through uncomfortable glances, strained conversation and embarrassing parents in the front seat of the car. There was no Samsung Galaxy to save you when your friend got up to use the bathroom and left you sitting next to the gentleman who brought you to see Top Gun.
No iPhone = no ability to send an SOS for someone, ANYONE, to come and save you from prepubescent hell.
My first date was with gentleman named Biff* introduced to me by my best good friend, Emily*. Emily just knew that Biff was the PERFECT match for me. Just KNEW IT. So, being the stupid and trusting good friend that I was, I agreed to go to the movies with Biff. (*Names have been changed to protect the acned.)
Biff took me to see the wonderfully romantic, cult classic movie Turner and Hooch. Yep. He was a real ladies man, I tell you. Nothing says “I want you to be my girlfriend” like Tom Hanks and some dog slobber. Even at the ripe old age of thirteen, Biff knew how to please the ladies.
In Biff’s defense, he was a perfect gentleman in that he borrowed an adequate amount of scratch to buy me a popcorn and a drink (he even sprung for a large!). His dad was punctual when he picked us up and Biff was kind enough to keep the door open behind him after he walked in ahead of me. He also took the liberty of dousing every square inch of his acned self in Drakkar Noir.
However, Biff also French kissed my ear during the open credits, dropped all of his popcorn in my lap, and farted so badly that I actually almost passed out cold on the sticky, Coca Cola laden floor. And it was LOUD, people. Loud and odoriferous, I tell you.
FIRST first dates are AWESOME.
And Mary from Outmanned has a doozy of a FIRST first date to share with us on this lovely Tribe Tuesday. My story may have included deadly flatulence and cinematic dog slobber but hers, well, let’s just say, when she runs into her FIRST first date at her reunion, it’s gonna be a lot awkward. A LOT.
Mary is the delightfully funny, wickedly inappropriate powerhouse behind the blog Outmanned and she makes being completely outnumbered by the boys in her house look hellish easy. She was voted “Blogger of The Year” by The !ndie Chicks (I’m NOT bitter….not one bit….not even a tiny bit. Whatevs.) and just found out Baby #3 is on the way. She’s hopeful for the stork to finally drop off a bundle of pink because boys. Lots of boys.
Let’s give a warm welcome to Mary and try not to laugh AT HER too much, m’kay? Well, you can snicker a little. Okay, maybe a lot…..just remember she’s pregnant. And severely outmanned.