I have a secret.
I’m an Overachieving Mom.
Totes Magoats. A bonafide OAM, the moniker Jen from People I Want To Punch In The Throat has coined.
Feels good to get that off my chest.
And now I want to be famous on a You Tube channel.
Let me explain.
This morning, I was reading People magazine (do not judge me: I read it for the Puzzler Crossword puzzle…it’s VERY challenging and I finish it EVERY week) and I came across a blurb about a woman named Rosanna Pansino who has a You Tube channel dedicated to showcasing her cupcake and cake decorating talents. Her “Nerdy Nummies” have “made her an online star with treats such as her rainbow cake racking up more than 22 million clicks”. They called her “The Web’s Sweetest Star”.
Uhm, Rosario? Have you MET me? Sorry, chica, but, uh, I think that you may have stolen my You Tube channel.
Because here’s the thing: I’m not only an OAM but also an OABM. Overachieving Baking Mom.
Suck it, Betty Crocker.
When I was a young stay at home mom, I had a hard time finding an outlet for my intense boredom and the tedium of the long days with people under three feet tall. Let’s face it: I had traded the excitement and drama of the ICU (read: dealing with poop, sputum, blood and confused patients for a paycheck) for the droll, low drama world of newborns (read: dealing with poop, sputum, blood and a confused husband for zero pay). I needed a creative outlet to save me from myself and to keep me out of the aisles of Target.
And, so, I baked. And cake decorated. And Christmas cookied my ass off.
That’s right, I OABMed the hell out of Betty Crocker.
Let’s examine the evidence, shall we?
Exhibit A: The Elmo First Birthday Cake:
Please note the perfectly placed star tipped, hand mixed red icing. Please ooh and ahhh at the smooth, orange nose that I spent an ungodly amount of time smoothing out with my finger dipped in cornstarch. And, people, hear me: black icing is NOT for the faint of heart. Particularly when served in conjunction with red icing to a one year old. I mean, really. This is definitely You Tube quality stuff right here.
Exhibit B: The Race Car 2nd Birthday Cake
Black licorice pavement? Check! Dyed green coconut grass? Check, check! Blue icing star tipping? You know it, dammit! And, again, I will repeat with the black icing: It is NOT for amateurs. And two year olds love it. Mothers of Two Year Olds? Not so much when they are scrubbing blue dye number six out of their cherub’s Thomas the Tank Engine T shirts. Sorry, about that…but, as a future You Tube channel star, I cannot be held responsible for the mistakes you make AFTER you ingest one of my creations that I teach you how to make. That’s on you. And you are perfectly welcome to go find the You Tube star who can teach you how to take stains out of jeans. Because I bet she got 44 million clicks on her “Wash Your Jeans!” how to video….bitch.
Exhibit C: The Monkey Head Cake
I don’t care what you say: Monkey Head cakes are just plain funny. I mean, come on: who doesn’t want to hack into the likes of this Curious George wannabe? Who doesn’t want to watch this creation get decorated on You Tube? I know I would have laughed my ass off at the woman who got up at 5 am to decorate this sucker by the dim light of her kitchen. Not that I did that. Okay, maybe I did. But I didn’t film it and I’m regretting it now because if I had, I’d have been a big fat You Tube star.
Sigh. Missed opportunities SUCK, I tell you.
Exhibit D: The Bug Eyed Ladybug Cupcakes
Nevermind that these ladybugs seem to have ingested an incredible amount of marijuana (I mean, just loooook at how dilated their pupils are….), these suckers are You Tube OABM channel gold. Red icing! Creative execution of the wings and body! Chocolate chip spots! I mean, let’s face it: You Tube is really missing out here. Call me, m’kay, guys???
Exhibit E: The Bestest, Prettiest, Slightly Leaning, But Still Has Ice Cream Cone Turrets Birthday Cake
Admittedly my, this cake is sort of my swan song when it comes to my cake decorating career. Honestly, the pictures just do not do it justice. This is why a You Tube channel would be ideal: I could have filmed it from all angles, could have shown you just how effing time consuming rolling sugar cones in pink icing and sugar sprinkles actually is and you could have watched me painstakingly construct the flags out of paper and toothpicks. I could have shown you, too, my filth laced diatribe when the sucker started to lean a la that tower in Italy. I could have also let you in on the fact that I realized AFTER all the layers were baked that I’d need an additional two layers to make the thing look more castle and less Pueblo Adobe Hut. That You Tube video would have gone VIRAL. Viral, I tell you.
Okay, so we’ve examined the evidence that clearly shows that I really should have been captioned “The Web’s Sweetest Star”. But what about longevity, you ask? What about non birthday related projects for those women who don’t have kids but yet who yearn to learn baking skills from a You Tube star? Does she have what it takes to compete with the Martha Stewarts, Buddy Velastros and Rosanna Pansinos during the holidays?
Yes. Yes, I do.
Please allow me to enter into evidence Exhibit F and G: Christmas Cookies.
Hundreds and hundreds upon hundreds of Christmas cookies get baked in my kitchen. Suck it, You Tube.
I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention my skills at making ordinary food fun. Broccoli Christmas trees? Yep, I can do that. Turkeys made out of dough shaped from the Fruit Loops’ hands? Shut up. Been there, done that. A Guacamole Grinch? Bitch, please. Give me a real challenge. You Tube really needs to call me.
Exhibits H, I and J:
Finally, if I still haven’t convinced you that I should be a You Tube sensation for my OABM culinary achievements, I will give you one final shred of evidence that will probably sway you. I’m wondering if little Miss Nerdy Nummies has ever made cupcakes in the shape of Belle’s dress and then had a REAL LIVE princess in the said yellow dress stand next to them? I’m guessing that answer is a resounding NO. And, I would further submit that no You Tube star has put a wine glass over a rose shaped cupcake to simulate the rose in the movie while Belle is standing next to said wine glass. THIS IS YOU TUBE GOLD, people. I mean, honestly.
Exhibit K: Belle Standing Next To Belle’s Dress Built With Cupcakes.
You Tube? You so totally missed the boat. Call me, m’kay?
Rosanna Pansino? You stole my You Tube channel.
Betty Crocker? SUCK. IT.