I am mostly a Stay At Home Mom.
By “mostly”, I mean that while yes, I have this blogging gig and yes, I have my part time career as a nurse, on the whole, my main job is keeping the Fruit Loops from completely spilling out of the box. On most days, I am the Manager of the Fecal Roster and the Driver of The People Mover.
One of my least favorite comments from people when they hear that I’m mostly a SAHM is “What in the world do you DO all day?!”. Usually, the comment is fraught with snark and delivered in a tone that says “What’s it REALLY like to watch Real Housewives and paint your toes all day long?”. When I’m asked this question, I find myself acting like a contestant on Jeopardy who just can’t quite come up with the answer before the buzzer. I get sweaty and I start clicking my key fob incessantly hoping that Alex Trebeck will call my name. So, in an effort to once and for all answer the question for anyone who has ever asked me “What do you DO all day?” (or who will do so in the future), I give you:
A DAY IN MY FRUIT LOOP BOWL:
530: Damn. The alarm making noise. Double Damn.
543: Expertly begin applying makeup that will be completely gone by about 930 after quick shower.
612: Argue with 7 year old that “no, you cannot wear those pants with that dress”. And, “no, I don’t care if your friend does it, too”.
628: Consume first sip of coffee.
647: Compose healthy lunches for two Fruit Loops. Make sure to include organic this and that so that the lunch ladies don’t judge.
648: “No, you may STILL not wear those pants”.
650: Politely inform 2 Fruit Loops and Hubby that “Breakfast is ready”.
653: “Breakfast is ready” through clenched teeth.
655: “BREAKFAST. IS. READY”. Resist urge to use expletives.
716: Begin daily surprise party: SURPRISE! You are going to school! Cue shock on faces of 2 Fruit Loops.
725: Ship Fruit Loops off on bus. Sigh. She’s wearing those pants with that dress.
802: Navigate land mine of Legos and Squinkies and resist urge to wretch at sight of Fruit Loops’ messy bedrooms. Close bedroom doors.
836: Make 6 phone calls regarding credit card issue. Resist urge to use expletives.
902: Consume abandoned cup of coffee, now cold and curdled. Microwave does wonders.
1000-1037: Purchase items for homemade costume for Fruit Loop #1, dry cleaning for Hubby, purchase new shoes for Fruit Loop #2.
1102: Surprise Fruit Loop #2 as Mystery Reader in classroom. Earn major “Mom of Year” status.
1234: Exchange 9 emails arranging play dates for Fruit Loops for later in week. We have well rounded Fruit Loops in this cereal box.
107: Quickly mop floor because you’ve realized that your socks are sticky and sticky socks are gross.
110: Do a load of laundry. Include sticky socks.
126: Blog. Blog some more. Congratulate self on being sufficiently funny. Or not. Rewrite blog.
230: Retrieve Fruit Loop #2 from the bus.
302: “No, you may not change out of that outfit.”
326: Remember at this EXACT moment that you haven’t peed since 532. Must use bathroom. NOW.
331: Remember that you forgot to eat lunch. Consume handful of pretzels and Diet Coke. Lunch of champions.
400: Retrieve Fruit Loop #2 from the bus.
400-630: Don taxi driver’s hat and get Fruit Loops to multiple activities in multiple locations. Perform great feats of strength and congratulate self on navigating back roads and timing arrivals like air traffic controller. Not using expletives is a bonus.
700: Politely inform hubby and Fruit Loops that “Dinner is ready.”
702: “Dinner is READY” through clenched teeth.
705: “DINNER IS READY”. Use expletive under breath.
740: Cue second surprise party of the day: SURPRISE! You are going to bed! Cue looks of shock from Fruit Loops.
812: No, you may not have another drink of water.
834: The movie you watched two weeks ago was not scary. Get back to bed.
843: Pour glass of wine as big as my head.
902: Fall asleep during <Insert pretty much any show on NBC or ABC in the 9 o’clock hour>.
1030: Drag self to bed after Hubby kicks me off the couch and set alarm for 530.
So, there you have it: what I DO all day long. So Alex, I’ll take “What Does She Do All Day?” for $200 and I’ll give my answer in the form of a question: What is I am in perpetual motion from sunup to sundown, have a basic needs crisis pretty much every day at 330p, am mostly successful at the avoidance of expletives in front of the Fruit Loops and throw a surprise party twice a day?”. God, I hope the next question isn’t the Daily Double…..